The Office UK - The Office Values - David Brent: Life on the Road 2016 - The Office US - The Office: Signs of a Declining Sitcom 2019 - Big Train TV -
Don’t ever come out with me and Finchy. The Office UK: Downsize s1e1, Brent to Dawn, BBC 2001
You can’t put a price on comedy. ibid. Brent to temp
I thought I’d found a lump. ibid. Brent to Dawn
I suppose I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first and a boss second, probably entertainer third. ibid. Brent to new temp
I will not have her tunnel banded about this office willy-nilly. The Office UK: Work Experience s1e2, Brent to staff
There’s a weight of intellect behind my comedy. ibid. Brent
I am trained in covert operations. ibid. Gareth
I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times. ibid.
What’s black and slides down Nelson’s Column? Winnie Mandela. The Office: The Quiz s1e3, Finch’s joke
I’m more sort of character-based and he’s more of a gag-man. I do gags as well. ibid. Brent
He’s a vegetable now. And that’s something we’ve all got to look forward to. ibid.
Yeah, there are limits to my comedy. ibid.
Whatever happens it won’t be a flashy wedding. Nah, yeah, just be a registry office to save money. And then what we’ll probably do is move in with me mum for a few months. Yeah, let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt which will be nice ’cause then me mum can look after them. ibid. Lee
The thing about long-term marriage is that inevitably the sex suffers. (Office & Marriage) The Office UK: Training s1e4, Gareth
Gareth: Well then he shouldn’t be allowed near animals, should he? ibid.
Now you’ve split up with Lee, would you like to come out for a drink with me? ibid. Tim
There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth’s. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bowl-in Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said ‘Mind Your Head’ ... And underneath someone had written ‘Don’t get your Hampton Court’. It’s not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. The Office UK: New Girl s1e5, Tim
Gareth: If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?
Tim: You’re thinking, How can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?
Gareth: No.
Tim: You’re thinking, If I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?
Gareth: No. And you can’t.
Tim: What are you thinking, Gareth?
Gareth: I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark. ibid.
Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted. So, every cloud ... You’re still thinking about the bad news, aren’t you? The Office UK: Judgement s1e6, Brent
You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go, ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so one day someone will go, ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.’ ibid. Brent
That was the forties before racism was bad. ibid. Brent to Gareth
Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn’t like some of the jokes I told earlier. You’ve got to chill out, yeah. Trust me, this is what I do. All right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. Yeah? And you’ll never have another boss like me, someone who’s basically a chilled-out entertainer. The Office UK: Merger s2e1, Brent to new Swindon intake
Tim: Team leader don’t mean anything mate.
Gareth: Excuse me, it means I’m the leader of a team.
Tim: No it doesn’t – it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right? It’s like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No-one respects it.
Gareth: I think they do.
Tim: No they don’t Gareth.
Gareth: Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm. The Office UK: Merger s2e1, Brent to new Swindon intake
Today I’m doing our staff appraisals ... They don’t only sort of list their strengths and weaknesses but also mine as a boss. The Office UK: Appraisals s2e2
We’re actually used to doing stuff like working hard, being motivated. ibid. Swindon lady
If you do go all the way with Tim, and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom. ibid. Gareth
Now, guys, we’re about to enter a warehouse environment. Now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse-cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don’t talk to anyone though. The Office UK: Party s2e3, Tim
Women who work in factories are slappers. ibid. Gareth
Simon: You know Bruce Lee’s not really dead, don’t you? Yeah, it’s in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads.
Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that’s true.
Tim: Yeah, I reckon that’s true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you’d probably want the world’s most famous Chinese film star. The Office UK: Motivation s2e4
I didn’t want you here but you’re here now. ibid. David to staff
Just another normal day in the office. The Office UK: Charity s2e5 ***** Brent
I sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit. ibid. Brent
You’re on a warning. ibid. Neil to Brent
We’d like to offer you a very generous redundancy package. ibid.
It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me ... ’Cause you are going to have a mutiny on your hands. They will go berserk. ibid. Brent to Neil
I don’t look upon this like it’s the end, I look upon it like it’s moving on, you know. It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going, ‘Oh, I’ve told a few people in Bethlehem I’m the Son of God; can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?’ No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that’s, very much like ... me. The Office UK: Interview s2e6, Brent
Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits. ibid.
In January 2001 a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday goings on in a typical workplace. Now, nearly three years later we return to find out what has happened to the employees of the office. The Office, Christmas Special I
Can I ask you something – who does your Tampons? ibid. David on sales call
Gareth is not general manager as such like I was when I was here. I was sort of omnipotent and er he’s doing a much more watered down version. ibid. David
It annoys me when people have a go at celebrity. Like poor Noel Edmonds. ibid. David
Tim: And what happens, you’re going into battle situation, right, you are up the front, with your men, or are you coming up the rear?
Gareth: Well, depends ...
Dawn: So it’s possible you’d come up the rear?
Gareth: It’s possible, yeah.
Tim: That’s all we wanted to know. The Office, Christmas Special II