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Welcome to Royston Vasey You’ll Never Leave! The League of Gentlemen s1e1: Welcome to Royston Vasey, street sign, BBC 1999
Royston Vasey next stop. This is the end of the line. ibid. bloke on train
Are you local? ibid. Tubbs
Don’t touch the things. This is a local shop for local people. ibid.
What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here. ibid. Edward
He has a plan. He covets the precious things of the shop. ibid.
This is a decent town and a local shop. There is nothing for you here. ibid.
In this house we don’t masturbate. ibid. Host
Poofter, eh? ibid.
Are you local? The League of Gentlemen s1e2: The Road To Royston Vasey, Tubbs
This is a local shop for local people. There’s nothing for you here. ibid.
To be honest I think I favour internal protection over towels. ibid. Barbara the cab driver
Hello, hello, Tubs, what’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here. How many more times, Tubbs, this is a local shop, mmm, for local people. The League of Gentlemen s1e3: Nightmare in Royston Vasey s1e3, Edward
For ever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. ibid. Host
Royston Vasey Roundabout Zoo Nature’s Wonders In The Heart Of Town. ibid. Sign
I’m going to stop your road, Tubbs. Once and for all. ibid. Edward
If God had meant us to walk everywhere he wouldn’t have given us Little Chefs. ibid. Vicar
Have you not heard about the Beast of Royston Vasey? Not me. They dug something up working on the new road. The League of Gentlemen s1e4: The Beast of Royston Vasey, Barbara the cab driver
Perhaps if you’d spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five lovely daughters. ibid. Uncle
Hands up who’s gay. ibid. Theatre player to school-children
Dykes on the other hand are evil. ibid.
We could kill them all. ibid. Tubbs
Hello, Bab’s cabs. The League of Gentlemen s1e5: Love Comes To Royston Vasey, Bab
I’d like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. The League of Gentlemen s1e6: Escape from Royston Vasey s1e6, son to mother in local shop
Good morning, jobseekers. ibid. Pauline
The toad can teach us many lessons. It’s lifecycle is a model of order and simplicity. ibid.
[dwarfs enter local shop] Tell them the circus is coming to town. The League of Gentlemen s2e1: Destination: Royston Vasey
Tubbs: Yes? Morning. Can I help you at all? [sees dwarfs in shop] Ah! Edward! Edward! ibid.
Edward: Hello, hello, what’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here ... They are not children! They are monsters! ... Get out, get out, do you hear me, this is a local shop for local people, there’s nothing for you here. Demons! ibid.
Host to wife and twins: Think of the difficulties a son would provide – the nightmare of puberty. Endless sessions in the bathroom as Junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree. Yes, we’re better off with Chloe and Radcliff. ibid.
No need to be rude! ibid. two old ladies in charity shop
Do you want a bag for that, dear? ibid.
Pauline, she’s worse than you. ibid. Mickey
You haven’t got a job, remember ... Get out of my sight, and my Re-Start. ibid. Cathy Carter Smith
In this house we do not use the F [Frog] word. ibid. host
Please, if you don’t understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth. The League of Gentlemen s2e2: Lust for Royston Vasey s2e2, Herr Lipp
95% of the people that come through our doors are weirdos. The League of Gentlemen s2e3: A Plague on Royston Vasey, dating agency woman to new client
Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse-drawn, belching Satan’s black wind into our clean and local air. This is a decent town and a local shop - there’s nothing for you here. The League of Gentlemen s2e4: Death in Royston Vasey, Edward to petrol-seeking visitor
I’ll let you go when I’ve got my job back and not before. The League of Gentlemen s2e5: Anarchy in Royston Vesey, Pauline
You put yourself in my fist, Justin. ibid. Herr Lipp
Will Heaven be like Swansea? The League of Gentlemen s2e6: Royston Vasey and the Monster from Hell, Tubbs
We’re alive! The League of Gentlemen s3e1: The Lesbian and the Monkey, Tubbs
Just remember who got you out of prison. ibid. Ross to Pauline
I hate this unidextrous life. The League of Gentlemen s3e2: The One-Armed Man is King, man from joke shop
The smell of chemicals and warm farts. ibid. Embalmer
There’s things gone astray. Bits gone astray. And certain activities being observed. ibid.
Sometimes I think go to India, Tish, and live in a kibbutz or something. The League of Gentlemen s3e3: Turn Again Geoff Tipps, Tish
Hold my melons while I try and nudge this bell. The League of Gentlemen s3e4: Beauty and the Beast s3e4, Crystal Tips
Hold my melons while I try and nudge this bell. The League of Gentlemen s3e5: Beauty and the Beast, Crystal Tips
You don’t do extras, do ya? ibid. bloke on massage table
We’ve lost a bag. The League of Gentlemen s3e6: How The Elephant Got Its Trunk, old ladies in charity shop
It’s all good stuff, dear. ibid. old lady grieving
Good stuff, is it? ibid. old lady to new man-lady
Now what the bloody hell’s going on? ibid. old lady
No need to be rude, dear. ibid.
He’s put them all into piles so he can bag ’em all up. Here he’s got some good stuff in here – it’s brand new. ibid.
No hate speech. Gender neutral pronouns only. People used to make fun of the likes of us. Well that’s all gone now. The world’s moved on. We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs. The League of Gentlemen s4e1: Return to Royston Vasey
Save Royston Vasey. Our town is under threat. Come to the council meeting this afternoon at 2 p.m. The League of Gentlemen s4e2: Save Royston Vasey
And what exactly does he mean where he says, ‘We are a local shop for local people?’ The League of Gentlemen s4e3: Royston Vasey Mon Amour, BBC breakfast television
God Is Dead. The League of Gentlemen Christmas Special: Yule Never Leave, Chapel of Hope sign