Oh, Jim. We don’t want Sky. We don’t watch tele enough to get the value. The Royle Family s3e1: Baby, Barbara
I’m still paying off me exercise bike out of the catalogue. ibid. Denise
I definitely think he’s going to have a musical side, you know with Dave being a DJ and everything. ibid. Denise
I don’t care whether he’s straight, gay or homosexual, he’s still our son. ibid. Barbara
It’s her [Denise’s] first night out. Since the last one. The Royle Family s3e2: Babysitting, Barbara
Will you take Baby David upstairs or somewhere so I can have a ciggy? ibid. Denise to David
Jim, not in front of the baby monitor. ibid. Barbara
All right, Barb. Hey, Barbara, make my bacon dead crispy will ya? The Royle Family s3e3 ***** Decorating with Twiggy
[Barbara lights cigarette]: You are a good mother, Denise. ibid.
Post-baby fatigue. What can you do? ibid. Denise to Barbara
Cheryl: He’s [Baby] gone down.
Denise: Who? ibid.
You not doing your community service today, Darren? ibid. Barbara
You cannot beat a great pair of knockers. ibid. Twiggy
Have you seen her Nutbush City Limits? ibid. Jim
I wonder what’ll happen to Elsie’s tele now? The Royle Family: Funeral s3e4, Nana
Elsie were only eighty-eight, you know. She got all of her life ahead of her. ibid.
He doesn’t respect the dead, Denise. That’s his trouble. ibid.
Baby David, you’ve got a lovely bot-bot. The Royle Family: London s3e5, Barbara
Since Elsie passed on, I’m all bunged up. ibid. Nana
I can feel some movement. What do you think, Barbara? ibid.
I don’t like her. I’ve seen plenty of her type around the flats. The Royle Family: Christening s3e6, Nana
A bloody drink there for me little old grandson. ibid. Jim
To be honest, Barb, I wasn’t a fit mother. ibid. Twiggy’s girlfriend
See, you are a good mother. ibid. David
Antony: Me and Emma – we’re getting engaged.
Barbara: You’re not pregnant, are you, Emma?
Jim: Course she bloody is. ibid.
Parlour games, my arse. Christmas with the Royle Family, Jim, BBC 1999
They want to get out a bit more that lot. ibid.
This is the one day of the year to watch the bloody television and look at the shite they put on. ibid.
Let’s all have a snowball. ibid. Barbara
It’s a complete bloody racket Christmas now, isn’t it. It’s a swizz. ibid. Jim
Christmas Day, my arse. ibid.
He got me the Delia Smith cookery book. ibid. Denise
Somebody bought baby David two hundred Bensons. The Royle Family at Christmas, Barbara, BBC 2000
I do love to work, you know, lad. I’m a bloody grafter. ibid. Jim
I’d love liposuction. ibid. Barbara
Sky! Sky TV! You’ve got me Sky TV! 200 channels! ibid. Jim
I made little David Turkey Twizzlers and chips. The Royle Family special: The Queen of Sheba, BBC 2006
She’s stolen the batteries out of my bloody remote! You know what, everything in this house revolves around her now! ibid.
All I’ve ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout. ibid. Barbara
Barbara: Denise, what we having for starters tomorrow?
Denise: Well erm I’m thinking of Cup-a-Soups. But with a twist. The Royle Family Christmas special: The New Sofa, BBC 2008
Isn’t it good how prison brings people together? ibid. Barbara
Barbara: There’s something under the tree for you.
Jim: Get it for us, will ya, Barb? ibid.
Also on the trolley there are aperitifs (Hula-Hoops). ibid.
My mum was a martyr to her bowels. ibid. Barbara at table
Denise: Hey, Joe, what did you get my Mum and Dad for their anniversary? The Royal Family Xmas 2009: The Golden Egg Cup, BBC 2009
Joe: Well, as it’s their golden wedding anniversary, Mary got them a golden-coloured eggcup from the Pound Store. ibid.
You can have first turn on the golden-coloured eggcup. ibid. Barbara to Jim
Barbara: Have you had your teas?
Denise: Yeah.
Barbara: What did you have?
Denise: Roast chicken. Crisps. ibid.
Barbara: Spain or Portugal or the Bermuda Triangle, somewhere lovely like that.
Dave: ... I’ve heard a lot about the North/South divide. I fancy going there … Don’t know but apparently you can see it from space. ibid.
There’s no pleasure in signing on any more. The Royle Family Christmas Special: Joe’s Crackers, BBC 2010
We didn’t have any sausages left so we just had the hole. ibid. Denise
Look at all the dirt! ibid. Barbara with new Dyson
I brought Mary with me. ibid. Joe with Mary’s ashes
Mary’s in the Dyson. ibid. Barbara
Barbara: Have you had your tea?
Denise: Yeah.
Barbara: What did you have?
Denise: Chops.
Barbara: Chops. On how lovely. Lamb or Pork?
Denise: I don’t mean Chops. I mean Chips. The Royle Family special: Barbara’s Old Ring, BBC 2012
History has known many great liars. Copernicus. Goebbels. St Ralph the Liar. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards, in particular Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became King after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of ... the Black Adder! The Black Adder: The Foretelling, opening commentary, BBC 1983
Now, I’m afraid that there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence. But at least we know it’s all in a good cause. ibid. Harry
I’d just like to get these battle averages sorted out. Now then, who did you kill today? ibid. Harry to Edmund
As I shall be known from now on – the Black Vegetable. ibid.
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks. The Black Adder: Born to Be King
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead ... And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him. ibid.
We are not that desperate: Morris dancing is the most fatuous tenth-weight entertainment ever devised by man. ibid. Blackadder to Baldrick
I have a cunning plan. ibid. Baldrick