May your filthy soul be prepared for hell, my son. Yes, hell. Where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind both night and day. Your mind is never free from the torments of remorse. And your bottom never free from the prickling of little thorns. Hell – where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody’s else’s favourite lunch. The Black Adder: The Archbishop, Bishop of London
There appear to be four major profit areas – curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns. ibid. Baldrick
Fingers are really big at the moment. Mind you, for a really quick sale you can’t beat a nose. For instance, this is the sacred appendage compendium party pack. ibid. Baldrick
King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples [holds up urn].
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples. The Black Adder: The Queen of Spain’s Beard, Harry to King
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean the intimate company of men.
Edmund: You don’t mean... like the Earl of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen!
Baldrick: And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Edmund: Well, no-one ... Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. ibid.
The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck – so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off. The Black Adder: Witchsmeller Pursuivant, Witchsmeller
Behold, Lucifer’s brother. ibid. Witchsmeller, re Baldrick
My Lord, I have a cunning plan. ibid. Baldrick tied to stake
So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory. The Black Adder: The Black Seal, caption
And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six other Most Evil Men in the Kingdom. ibid.
I must look to my own dear tiny darlings to sustain me in my frailties. Yes, Kate, I want you to become a prostitute. Blackadder II: Bells, father to daughter, BBC 1986
Not at all, Bob. I look forward to having you. ibid. Blackadder
I can strongly recommend a course of leeches. ibid. Doctor to Blackadder
Very well then, three other paths are open to you ... Kill Bob ... Kill yourself ... Kill everybody in the whole world. ibid. old crone
And, Melchie, still worshipping God? Last thing I heard he started worshipping me. ibid. Lord Flashheart to Melchett
The bad news is that actually there are simply hundreds of Catholics who desperately want their heads sneaked off and there’s no-one to organise it. Blackadder II: Head, Elizabeth to Blackadder
Right then let’s take a look shall we – who’s first in the head basket? ibid. Blackadder to Percy
Right, good morning, team, my name is Edward Blackadder and I’m the new minister in charge of religious genocide. ibid. Blackadder
Ointment, that’s what you need when your head’s been cut off. ibid. Nursie
As private parts to the gods are we; they play with us for their sport. Blackadder II: Chains, Melchett to Blackadder in dungeon
Yes, I was one of his sheep. ibid. Ludvig to Melchett
Life – overrated I reckon. ibid. Blackadder to Melchett
Oh what joy. See how you collapse before me, you great incorruptible English knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips. ibid. Ludvig to Blackadder & Melchett
Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again. ibid. Ludvig
Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil. Pointless. ibid. Blackadder to Elizabeth
Percy, the return of Sir Walter – ‘Ooh what a big ship I’ve got’ – Raleigh is a matter of supreme indifference to me. Blackadder II: Potato, Blackadder
To you it’s a potato; to me it’s a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh it’s a country estate, five carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He’s making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them, they’ll be eating them next. ibid. Blackadder
So where’s this barnacle-bottomed haddock-flavoured bilge rat Sir rather a wally Raleigh then? ibid. Blackadder to Elizabeth, with Melchett and Nursie
You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby I was savaged by a turbot. ibid. Percy to Baldrick
Is Captain Rum joining us for this bring a sample party? ibid. Blackadder to Percy, with Baldrick
I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath & Wells! Blackadder II: Money, Bishop to Blackadder
Our motto is repayment or revenge ... I will have my money by evensong tonight or your bottom will wish it had never been born. ibid.
I consider myself one of England’s finest liars. ibid. Blackadder to Percy, with Baldrick
My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics. ibid.
Baldrick, are you suggesting that I become a rent boy? ibid. Blackadder
A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting. ibid. Blackadder to Baldrick
You think there’s a market for jewellery that looks like snot then? ibid. Blackadder to Percy
No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. ibid. Bishop of Bath & Wells to Blackadder, with Baldrick
You fiend. Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church? ibid.
We are having two parties here tonight. And they must be kept completely separate. Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall to wall vomiting ... Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip evening. Blackadder II: Beer, Blackadder to Baldrick & Percy
Chairs are an invention of Satan. In our house Nathaniel sits on a spike. I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance. ibid. Aunt to Blackadder et al
I’ll say one thing for Catholics – they do have natural rhythm. ibid. Percy to Aunt and Nathaniel
Mr Speaker, members of the House, I shall be brief as I have rather unfortunately become prime minister right in the middle of my exams. I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner which nanny would be proud. Blackadder III: Dish & Dishonesty, Pitt the younger, BBC 1987
Meet the new Member of Parliament for Dunny-on-the-Wold. Precisely, sir. Our slogan shall be a rotten candidate for a rotten borough. Baldrick, I want you to go back to your kitchen sink, you see, and prepare for government. ibid. Blackadder to Prince, with Baldrick
Pitt the younger: I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you.
Blackadder: Oh and which Pitt would this be? Pitt the toddler? Pitt the embryo? Pitt the glint in the milkman’s eye? ibid.
We in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues not personalities. Because our candidate doesn’t have a personality. ibid.
Reporter: One voter, 16,472 votes – a slight anomaly?
Blackadder: Not really, Mr Hanna. You see Mr Baldrick may look like a monkey that’s been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brilliant politician. The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection of how firmly I believe in his policies. ibid.
I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England. That renowned brainbox Dr Samuel Johnson has asked me to be patron of his new book and I intend to accept. Blackadder III: Ink & Incapability, Prince to Blackadder
It’s the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French. ibid. Blackadder to Prince
Baldrick, I’d bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting at the guild of village idiots. ibid. Blackadder
It’s taken me seven years and it’s perfect – Edmund: A Butler’s Tale. A giant rollercoaster of a novel in four hundred sizzling chapters. A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. ibid. Blackadder