So you’re asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the batey fellow in the black coat who just left is? ibid. Baldrick to Blackadder
Mrs Miggins, there’s nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid. ibid. Blackadder
Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal where I intend to live as a goat. ibid. Blackadder to Prince
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of dog is?
Baldrick: Not a cat. ibid.
Sir, I hope you are not using the first English dictionary to look up rude words? ibid. Dr Johnson to Prince
Nothing a roaring fire can’t solve. Baldrick do the honours, will you. ibid. Blackadder
French is all the fashion: my coffee shop is full of Frenchies. And it’s all because of that wonderful Scarlet Pimpernel. Blackadder III: Nob & Nobility, Mrs Miggins to Blackadder
If the Pimpernel does finally reveal himself I don’t want to be caught out wearing boring trousers. ibid. Prince Regent
The ancient Greeks, sir, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name: they called it Pandora’s Box, when of course they meant Baldrick’s trousers. ibid. Blackadder to Prince Regent, with Baldrick
I charge you now, Baldrick, for the good of all mankind never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein. ibid. Blackadder
We hate liars, bounders and cads, don’t we, Blackadder? ibid. Prince Regent
These are volatile times, your Highness. The American Revolution lost your father the colonies; the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis, and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia. Although that might be something to do with the sausages. Blackadder III: Sense & Senility, Blackadder to Prince
They are so poor they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to Turkey at Christmas. ibid.
I am about to enter the job market [reads newspaper]. Right, let’s see. Situations vacant. Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament … ibid. Blackadder to Baldrick
Don’t worry, Mr B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem. But this is a really good one: you become a dashing highwayman, then you can pay all your bills and on top of that everyone would want to sleep with you. Blackadder III: Amy & Amiability, Baldrick to Blackadder
I’m as poor as a church mouse that’s just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife’s ran off with another mouse taking all the cheese. ibid. Blackadder to Prince
I’m a gay bachelor, Blackadder. I’m a roarer, a rodgerer, a gorger and a puker. ibid. Prince to Blackadder
I love her more than any pig. And that’s saying something. ibid. Amy’s father to Blackadder
Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick? Well don’t. It’s a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. ibid. Blackadder
The girl is wetter than a haddock’s bathing costume. ibid.
I’ve been thinking of bettering myself. I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington. I got down to the last two but I failed the final interview. I turned up. Blackadder III: Duel & Duality, Baldrick to Blackadder
He’s madder than mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year’s Mr Madman competition. ibid. Blackadder, re Scottish cousin
I am informed your royal father grows ever more eccentric. And at present he believes himself to be a small village in Lincolnshire commanding spectacular views of the Nene Valley. ibid. Wellington to Blackadder dressed as prince
What do we have for royalty? A mad Kraut sausage-sucker and a son who can’t keep his own sausage to himself. ibid.
Clearly Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin. Blackadder Goes Forth: Plan A – Captain Cook, Blackadder to Baldrick, BBC 1989
Ah, would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir? ibid. Blackadder to Melchett & Darling
Doing precisely what we’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time. ibid. Melchett to Blackadder
Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? ibid. Melchett to Baldrick
Melchett to Baldrick: Don’t worry, my boy. If you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you. ibid.
Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir? ibid. Blackadder to Melchett
When are we going to give Fritz a taste of our British spunk? Blackadder Goes Forth: Plan B – Corporal Punishment, George to Blackadder
Baldrick: It’s got a little ring round its neck. There’s a novelty.
George: Oh really. Is there a paper hat as well?
Baldrick: No, but there’s a joke. ibid.
I sent our top bird. Speckled Jim. My own true love who’s been with me since I was a nipper. ibid. Melchett to Blackadder
You shot my speckled Jim! ibid.
The case before us is that of the Crown v Captain Edmund Blackadder, the Flanders Pigeon Murderer! ibid. Melchett
Yes I can hear you perfectly. What what. You want two volunteers for a mission into no-man’s land codename Operation Certain Death? ibid. Darling
I find his [Charlie Chaplin] films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there’s a gas bill tied to it. Blackadder Goes Forth: Plan C – Major Star
He certainly is a genius, George. He invented a way of getting paid a million dollars a year for wearing a pair of stupid trousers. ibid.
And you mustn’t do that to me, sir. ’Cause that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir. Haven’t you smelt it, sir? There’s something afoot in the wind. The huddled masses yearning to be free. No, sir, I’ve been supping the wind of freedom. ibid. Baldrick to Blackadder
The Russians have risen up and shot all their nobs. ibid.
And they’ve overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre. ibid.
Captain Blackadder, this is Bob. ibid.
Bob, I want you to bunk up with Captain Blackadder for a couple of days. All right? I think you’ll find Bob just the man for this job, Blackadder. He has a splendid sense of humour ... Play a game of cribbage, have a smoke something like that. They tell me Captain Blackadder has quite a good line in rough shag; I’m sure he’ll be happy to fill your pipe. Carry on. ibid. Melchett
I want to do my bit for the boys. ibid. Bob to Blackadder
Congrats. Stop. Have discovered only person in the world less funny than you. Name: Baldrick. Yours E Blackadder. Stop. P.S. Please please please stop. ibid. ibid. Blackadder to Bob
Captain Blackadder, I should esteem it a single honour if you would allow me to escort your leading lady to the regimental ball this evening. The fair Georgina. ibid. Melchett
I’m sure she’s a girl with a great deal more spunk than most women you can find. ibid.
I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. ibid. Melchett to mirror, with Darling
You are a steaming pile of horse manure. A triumph? The Three Twirps were one Twirp short – again! ... Worst of all – the crowing turd in the water pipe – the revolting drag act at the end. Yes, poor Bob Parker being made to look an arse. ibid. Melchett to Blackadder
We’ve received a telegraph from Mr Chaplin himself at Senate Studios: twice nightly screening of my film in trenches good idea. But must insist E Blackadder be projectionist. P.S. Don’t let him ever stop. ibid. Darling to Blackadder
The first thing to remember is always treat your kite like you treat your woman. No, get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back. Blackadder Goes Forth: Plan D – Private Plane, Flashheart to trainees
How unlucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us it is a mundane and functional item; for you the basis of an entire culture. ibid. Baron to Baldrick and Blackadder
For us the great war is finito – a war that would be a damn sight simpler if we’d have just stayed in England and shot fifty thousand of our men a week. No more mud, death, rats, bombs, shrapnel, whiz-bangs, barbed wire and those bloody awful songs that have the word Woops in the title. ibid. Blackadder to Baldrick