What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier; it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier. The Office US s5e9, Dwight
We have radon coming from below, asbestos in the ceilings. The Office US s5e10: The Surplus, Toby
Andy: What’s that smell?
Dwight: You’re going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It’s manure. Dwight. You need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You’re going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don’t you? ibid.
This is the first Christmas party I’m throwing as Head of the Party Planning Committee. The theme is Nights in Morocco. This isn’t your Grandmother’s Christmas Party. Unless of course she is from Morocco. In which case it’s very accurate. The Office US s5e11: Moroccan Christmas, Phyllis
I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though. ibid. Angela
I am simply punishing the parents that will wait to the last minute to give their child a gift. ibid. Dwight
It’s a surprise party for people who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop. ibid. Michael’s idea for party
In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention: awareness, education, control, acceptance, and punching. ibid. Dwight
As it happens you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan. ibid. Michael
Rule 17: Don’t turn your back on bears whom you have wronged or a dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five [sings] ... You’ll be eaten in your sleep – haaachch! The Office US s5e12: The Duel, Dwight
My philosophy is basically this. And this is something I live by and I always have and I always will: don’t ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever no matter what. No matter where or who or who you are with, or, or where you are going or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever. ibid. Michael to David Wallace
I’ve had two men fight over me before. Usually it’s over which one gets to hold the camcorder. ibid. Meredith
The Sasquatch is the strongest animal on the planet. ibid. Dwight
It just goes to show. You leave Scranton – exciting things can happen. ibid. Michael
Dwight: What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter, and we have to seduced her in order to get their secrets?
Michael: I will seduce her. ibid.
Dwight: You’ll fall in love with her.
Michael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support. The Office US s5e13: Prince Family Paper
In nature there’s something called the food chain. It’s where the shark eats the little shark, and the little shark eats the littler shark, and so on and so on and so on until you get down to the single-celled shark. So now you replace sharks with paper companies. And that is all you need to know about business. ibid. Michael
OK, time for the final votes: all those in favour of the resolution Hilary Swank is hot? OK, and all those opposed? ibid. Andy
Stay fucking calm! The Office US s5e14&15: Stress Relief, Michael
We’re trapped. Everyone for himself. ibid.
Nobody should have to go to working thinking – oh this is the place I might die today ... Office is for not dying. ibid. Michael
An office is a place where dreams come true. ibid.
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo. ibid.
Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet. The Office US s5e16&17: Lecture Circuit
I’ve got to make sure that Youtube comes down to tape this. ibid. Michael
This company still doesn’t recognise cat maternity. ibid.
They are good decent cats. ibid. Angela
First Valentine from a secret admirer: Roses are red, Violets are blue, It’s time for your dental cleaning, And maybe a check-up too. The Office US s5e18: Blood Drive, Kelly
I honestly don’t know how you can work with that jackass, and that other jackass and that new jackass. ibid. Bob Vance to Jim & Pam, with Phyllis
The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. The Office US s5e19: Golden Ticket, Michael
What is a pallet? ibid. Michael to Darryl
I have a lot of toilet ideas. ibid. Michael
I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership. The Office US s5e20: New Boss, Michael
This little hellraiser is Angela – she has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. ibid. Michael to new boss Charles
I thrive under lack of accountability. ibid. Michael to David Wallace
I don’t need to be managed, Charles. ibid. Michael
Michael: Stanley!
Stanley: Can’t you see I’m urinating?
Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don’t need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just ... I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company ...
Stanley: No.
Michael: You’re not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn’t. The Office US s5e21: Two Weeks
Don’t patronise me, Pam. I’m not getting dressed. I’m not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients. Well it’s totally impossible! Assemble a sales team. A dream team. Ryan ... The Office US s5e22: Dream Team, Michael
I mean I’ve always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you got in there and you do mediocre work half-heartedly. ibid. Jim
I am back ... They took away my parking space but they can’t take away my pride. The Office US s5e23: Michael Scott Paper Company, Michael
I would like to invite you all to come along with me on a journey. Welcome to the Michael Scott Paper Company. ibid. Michael to Ryan and Pam
We are in the heart of it. And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea. We wait and hope people show up for the pancake luncheon. For our big grand opening pancake luncheon. ibid.
There’s a coupon for Unparalleled Customer Service. ibid.
I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. ibid. Pam
You could be hot too if you made any effort. ibid. Ryan to Pam
They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends. And they were right. ibid. Michael
I once had a dream I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. ibid. Michael to Pam & Ryan
83,733. We have the people with the biggest hearts. ibid. Michael
Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela. But she was sleeping with Dwight for several years. The Office US s5e24: Heavy Competition, Jim & Pam
It’s not a dress code, it’s a death sentence. Ok thank you. It’s a straitjacket! ibid. Dwight
I know a few things about love. Horrible terrible awful awful things. (Officibid. Andy
Hello, traitor. I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you. And I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients. And then I am going to kill them in front of you. ibid. Michael to Dwight
Paper is the manure ... ibid. Dwight
In a war you always fought against those you are closest to. ibid.