Yesterday was fast and testimony meeting. What are some of your funniest testimony stories? Once there was a guy in my ward that went up to the podium and just stood there for about 2 minutes. Then he started crying uncontrollably for about the next 10 minutes. It was pretty uncomfortable for the rest of us. We also had a family with 10 kids. The mother would get up every Fast and Testimony meeting and berate her children. I always felt bad for them because they were good kids, just rebellious, but if I had that lady for my mother, I would rebel too. John, board post 6th January 2003, ‘Funniest Testimonies Ever’
One meeting a young married woman got up and started saying how thankful she was for different things – all was fine until she got to, ‘I’m thankful for my hands so I can touch my husband all over,’ and then she went on for 10 minutes about how she touches him and how grateful she is that she can feel him! Everyone is looking to the Bishopric and making gestures to shut her up but they were too chicken and let her keep talking. Tricia, board post 6th January 2003, ‘Funniest Testimonies Ever’
My dad (who was a bishop at the time) got up on the pulpit and started talking about how awesome it was to be sealed to his family in the temple and how the thought of not being with his family in heaven, ‘scared the shit out of him.’
Everyone was shocked.
Then there was a lady who was anti but her husband was TBM, and she got up and did a 45-minute testimony about how much of a whoremonger and liar Brother Joseph was, and then proceeded to rip pages out of the Book of Mormon she did not agree with. Smith Kennedy, board post 6th January 2003, ‘Funniest Testimonies Ever’
OK, so my all-time favorite has to be the time a poor old sister died during a meeting. She just ‘gave up the ghost’. A friend of mine was sitting next to her and realized that she had passed away at some point and he just sat there propping the ole gal up. When it was time to exit the chapel he just sat there kinda smiling and acting like everything was okay until everybody was out of the room, called the bishop over and told him to call an ambulance. Now THAT is a boring meeting.
My next favorite was a bishop who had been an old time farmer. If you never had one you really missed out. One F&T meeting he was reading the names of the folks who had moved in and getting everybody to accept them into the ward ‘by making the usual sign’ ... When he looks up and says, ‘OK, so now that you accepted them into the ward, who’s inviting them over for dinner tonight?’ And then stared at the congregation until somebody did in invite them.
But it is hard to forget ole Brother Barney, long since dead and pretty crazy for most of his life. He was the guy that every bishop cringed to see walking up to the rostrum. One day the poor ole wacko gets up and tells us all he has been given a very special gift from gawd. He has been ‘blessed with the ability to speak in the voice of Spencer W Kimball’ ... then Brooooooooothers and Sisssssssters in that unique post-surgical Kimbal voice ... I thought we were all gonna piss our pants. Satan’s little helper, board post 6th January 2003, ‘Three of My Favourites’
It wasn’t testimony meeting but there was a new family who moved into the Ward who had a five-year-old boy who was, shall we say, difficult. They also had two girls aged seven and four who were slightly less difficult. They had to give a ‘new member of the ward talk’. They sat in the front pew of congregation with their kids before their talks rather than up front in the speakers chairs. It became obvious it was because they had to keep their kids under control. When it came time to talk the wife went up first. While she was speaking the Dad looked like he was wrestling alligators trying to keep the kids under control. The kids were jumping around and yelling things like, ‘Hi, mom’ during her talk. After she was done, the dad went up. She had an even harder time controlling them by herself. They must have brought colored pencils for the kids because at one point during the dad’s talk the kids started throwing the colored pencils at him. He ducked to miss a couple pencils and then stopped his talk and said in a somewhat pissed off voice, ‘Could someone please help my wife.’ A few sisters immediately jumped up and ran up to the pew to help control the kids. After the meeting, the poor woman had to listen to a bunch of sisters give her ‘friendly advice’ on how to control her kids during sacrament meeting.
A few weeks later, the family is sitting near the front again wresting with their kids. About halfway through the meeting there is special musical number and a rather large sister in the Ward walks up to the front to sing a solo. Just as she is about to begin, she takes a deep breath and there is complete silence when the five-year-old boy looks at his mom and asks (in a loud enough voice for everyone to hear), ‘Why is she so fat?’ The poor sister up front looked like she was about to die as the piano started playing the intro to her song. The kid’s mom was ready to kill him. David, board post 7th January 2003, ‘More Funny Kids’ Stories’
It was an eye-opener to attend LDS services again. I found the worship service extremely noisy, to the point of it bothering me. I don’t think it’s all the kids because the church I have been attending has kids in the worship service, too. (Some churches do not want kids in the chapel and they have a nursery provided.) However, I found the LDS chapel extremely noisy, except when the Sacrament was being passed.
I found the LDS music to be extremely slow and a bit boring. I nearly barfed when the speakers talked of the Celestial Kingdom and how it would not be fair for God to let everyone into the top kingdom because some people are over-performers while others do not do as much (the speaking assignments were on Section 76). It was barf city I tell you.
I took a good look around at the faces in Sacrament. I saw almost all sombre-faced people ... like it was a major chore to be at church. I contrast that with the faces I see at other churches ... mostly smiling and happy to be there worshipping the Lord. That was the most eye opening item I found. A lady in front of me at Sacrament was reading a book on recruiting techniques, another was playing a pocket pc game, two kids were playing dots, some people were asleep, and some were just zoned out. Hardly anyone sang the hymns. For that many people, the house should have been brought down (not much in the way of joyful noises to the Lord). Stones, board post, ‘My Sacrament Experience After 5 Years’
Aug 23 1896 – Sugar House Ward congregation votes against man proposed as Bishop of new ward to divided from the old. Salt Lake stake president Angus M Cannon furiously shouts, ‘Sit down and shut your mouths, you have no right to speak!’ When Cannon engages in shouting match with dissenting congregation, a ward member and policeman threaten to arrest stake president for disturbing the peace. Cannon more calmly repeats his attempt but is voted down again several times. Deconstructor, board post 16th April 2003, ‘Explain the Prophets’ Great Moments in Mormon History’
An old lady nervously got up to talk and blue-tacked a picture appropriate to her talk to the front of the podium. She then commenced to give an excellent talk. Ten minutes into her address, a counselor in the Stake Presidency behind her who was visiting the ward stood up and removed the picture. He then took the microphone and announced that he had been prompted by the Spirit to remove the picture as it had been revealed that visual aids were not to be used in Sacrament Meetings.
My friend’s wife stood up and walked out, closely followed by her husband. Dr Simon Southerton, board post 25th May 2008, ‘Public Crucifixion at LDS Ward in Australia’
About two nights ago at around 11:50 at night my phone rings (I never gave them my number. They must have looked it up online) – it was the bishop’s secretary, asking me to meet with the bishop the next morning as well as clean the student ward building this week. At this point, I became angry (maybe it was the fact that he woke me up). I asked him why I would want to meet with a man I do not consider my leader much less clean a building I never have and never will use. Then I hung up on him. Anonymous, board post 18th October 2005, ‘When Mormons Attack – In the Underpants Isle!’
In 2010, the Priesthood quorums and Relief Society used the same manual (Gospel Principles) ... Most lessons consist of a few pages of exposition on various themes ... studded with scriptural citations and quotations from leaders of the church. These are followed by points of discussion like ‘Think about what you can do to keep the purpose of the Sabbath in mind as you prepare for the day each week’. Gospel Principles instructs teachers not to substitute outside materials, however interesting they may be. In practice this ensures that a common set of ideas are taught in all Mormon chapels every Sunday. That these ideas are the basic principles of the faith mean that Mormon Sunday schools and other church lessons function quite intentionally as devotional exercises rather than instruction in new concepts. The curriculum encourages teachers to ask questions that encourage catechistic reaffirmation of core beliefs. Further, lessons focus to a great extent on the importance of basic practices like prayer, paying tithing, and reading scripture rather than on doctrinal content ... Correlated materials are designed not to promote theological reflection, but to produce Mormons dedicated to living the tenants of their faith. Matthew Bowman, ‘The Mormon People: The Making of an American Faith’
Bishops should not yield the arrangement of meetings to members. They should not yield the arrangement for funerals or missionary farewells to families. It is not the proper order of things for members or families to expect to decide who will speak and for how long. Suggestions are in order, of course, but the bishop should not turn the meeting over to them. We are worried about the drift that is occurring in our meetings.
Funerals could and should be the most spiritually impressive. They are becoming informal family reunions in front of ward members. Often the Spirit is repulsed by humorous experiences or jokes when the time could be devoted to teaching the things of the Spirit, even the sacred things.
When the family insists that several family members speak in a funeral, we hear about the deceased instead of about the Atonement, the Resurrection, and the comforting promises revealed in the scriptures. Now it’s all right to have a family member speak at a funeral, but if they do, their remarks should be in keeping with the spirit of the meeting.
I have told my Brethren in that day when my funeral is held, if any of them who speak talk about me, I will raise up and correct them. The gospel is to be preached. I know of no meeting where the congregation is in a better state of readiness to receive revelation and inspiration from a speaker than they are at a funeral. This privilege is being taken away from us because we don’t understand the order of things – the unwritten order of things – that relates to the administration of the Church and the reception of the Spirit. Boyd K Packer, BYU address 15th October 1996 ‘The Unwritten Order of Things’