It makes me sick to think of all the people I damaged on my mission. My mission was run by numbers. We were constantly quoted that ‘as long as the convert puts out their cigarette on the way down to the water, they are worthy’ …
As a missionary I never doubted what I was told to do, but I hated baptizing people who I knew would never continue to attend church. Why did I not see what was going on?
We were told never to bring up blacks in the priesthood or polygamy in our discussions. I still remember the heartbreaking look on a single black mothers faces, two weeks after she was baptized, when she found out about blacks in the priesthood. She cried and asked us why we did not teach her this ... I look back now and it makes me physically ill to think about this poor women we took advantage of. How could mission presidents have taught this crap to vulnerable young people? Dirty rotten SoBs.
My mission was nothing but a numbers and ranking game. To win the game you had to baptize a lot, and advance in ranks (district leader, zone leader, AP). Oh, I made it to the top and was an AP and I and my family were so proud. Nobody ever asked me if the people I damaged (baptized) were happier as members of the church.
I knew what I was doing was not right, but I was so blind I did everything I was told. It has been twenty years since I served on my mission and I am ashamed. If I had all the address of the people I baptized I would send them an apology letter ... Even on my mission I felt I was not good enough for the church and it really eats at me what the church has done to my confidence and self-esteem. What would my life had been like if I had not put all my energy into ‘not feeling guilty’? What a waste of two years. JT, board post, ‘Regrets of Going on a Mission’
Ballard got up and stated our baptism total was awful and we should be ashamed (completely contradicting the mission president, poor guy). He then started to interview companionships from the pulpit (it front of everyone). He first had zone leader companionships stand up, one by one. Example of a typical question, ‘Are you out of your apartment by 9:30 every morning and working?’ (In fact, if you answer yes to this question you are a certifiable liar. Notice that guilt is completely programmed and expected by this line of questioning. What a jerk.) Now this question is a set up. No companionship is out every morning by 9:30. The answer to this question is no. Now this may not seem too bad but remember the setting. You have a General Authority (who is God to you) asking you questions in front of half the missionaries in the mission with the express purpose of showing everyone that you are a big sinner. If your companionship is ‘lucky’ enough to be called by Ballard, you will be embarrassed to the nth degree! After asking the companionship several questions, he would sneer and ask them to sit down. After interviewing about six companionships from the pulpit he declared he knew what was wrong with our mission, DISOBEDIENCE. We have low baptisms because we are BIG sinners and his interviews ‘proved’ this. He told us about what a great missionary he was. He stated that he would be happy to get out his journal and compare his hours of tracting with anyone in the room, implying he worked harder that anyone else (a very humble man!).
I can testify with a surety based on my being there, that this is the second worst experience in my life. The meeting was the beginning of my apostasy. MMan, board post, ‘Ballard Story’
It all started with the pressure from his dad who was then a bishop and at the time of his death a stake president. He was always pushed to be the perfect student, perfect Priesthood holder and would serve an honorable mission, where nothing but excellence would be acceptable. Shortly into his mission he came down with illness and deep depression. He was over prescribed with large doses of anti-depressants which eventually caused permanent damage to his brain. They continued to try and treat him on his mission but he kept getting worse. To come home early was almost unthinkable. He was finally forced to go home early, but by that time he was severely depressed and felt like a complete failure. He would not go out in public and spent long hours in the dark. When he spoke to others he would be shaking. They tried all kinds of anti-depressants, counseling and eventually shock therapy. Through this all he completely quit going to church and refused to participate in any of its activities. The day he killed himself his psychiatrist told him they had done all they could for him and that he had to start helping himself. They went home and within five minutes of being home he went in to his room and shot himself in the head with a large hunting rifle. The reason I share this story is because of all the pressure and guilt you see put on youth today to live up to the perfect Mormon mold.
What I found ironic was how they handled the funeral. Because his dad was a Stake President they had a General Authority, who did not even know him, come and speak about everything but their son. rm, board post, ‘Nephew Killed Himself After Returning Home From Mission Early For Health Reasons’
You are tired, but not from doing rewarding work.
You are never alone.
You are either bored because you have nothing to do, or else in a state of anxiety from approaching people who clearly don’t want to hear about the church or else have mental and emotional needs that you are in no way prepared to understand or meet.
Rather than praise from your superiors you are given harsh motivational talks about how it is your fault the spirit can't work through you and touch these people. If only the mission could attain 100% abstinence of masturbation or any other thoughts of a sexual nature (we are talking about asking this of 18-21 year olds) then god could truly work his miracles and people would convert in droves. But instead you are not responsible for any souls that you could have saved had you been righteous enough for the delicate holy ghost to have been with you.
You are cut off from your normal routines and social contact and forced into the mold of mission routines. silvergirl, board post May 2014, ‘Sooo Many Mishies Coming Home Early!’
Three crazy companions in a row. All of them had spent time in the mission home because they were, well, crazy. The last one made me crazy and I went to the mission home for a while. Sometimes when I think about it now (which isn’t very often) I’m pissed with Mission President for giving me such fruitcakes and all of them in a row. Couldn’t they at least have been spaced out? lulu, board post February 2013, ‘Missionary Companions’
The West Indies Mission in the ’80s was kind like the wild wild west. Those of us on islands other than the mission office island of Barbados, were isolated. We didn’t have phones in our rented places, and we had to go to the local phone company to place a call every week for numbers to the APs ... that isolation, brought plenty of time to do fun stuff! Anon Regular Lurker, board post February 2013, ‘Missionary Companions’
I served a mission 20 years ago in Poland. This was a couple years after the fall of the Berlin wall and Eastern Europe was only beginning to open up to mormons. While I had some amazing un-mormon experiences, and saw some amazing historical sites, my mission could be explained as: 2 wasted years.
We had this businessman Mission President who was numbers driven ... he created this ‘point system’ to record your weekly points ... 1 point for a contact, 5 points for placing a BOM, 10 points per discussion, etc. At weekly meetings, we reported our hours working and gave a point total ... and we were ranked against all the other missionaries. It was brutal.
Polish was a tough language to learn. Winters were brutal. We were expected to tract to fill the time from 8 am to 9 pm if we didn’t have appointments (we NEVER had appointments). When we weren’t tracting, we were contacting people on the bus, trams, or on the streets. It was brutal: constant rejection. Door slamming. Imagine walking up to strangers, on a bus, with everybody listening, and trying to sell mormonism to strong-believing Catholics!
There were few members and few meals provided for us. We lived in crappy soviet-styled apartments. At that time, the Pope was from Poland, so everybody was proud of their Catholic pope and nobody was interested in other religions. Like some other faith setting up shop in Utah. hopefulhusband, board post August 2014, ‘Missions – The Best Two Years – Seriously?’
San Luis – Officials of the Sangre de Cristo Catholic Church here may decide today whether to file charges against three Mormon missionaries in the 2006 vandalism of a local shrine.
Church members earlier this week found Internet photos that showed them vandalizing the Shrine of the Mexican Martyrs in 2006 and mocking the Roman Catholic faith.
A regional missionary official for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has acknowledged the men depicted in the photos were missionaries working in the San Luis Valley that year, and said the church would discipline the men. He would not, however, identify them. The Pueblo Chieftain
From the agony of broken engagements, cruel taunting letters about taking over your former girlfriend, having to miss siblings’ weddings, and the birth of nieces, nephews and siblings ... all within the daily grind of boredom, exhaustion and rejection ... life was hell for many of the missionaries.
Add to that the stress of constant companions, some of whom could be nasty, belligerent and controlling if not simply annoying (especially with the 24/7 rule of attachment!) ... and the intolerable atmosphere mounts! The sister mishies especially had problems with their companions! Pettiness and jealousies abounded! Many of the sisters were looking to make ‘attachments’ with the guys. Speculation, rumors, gossip and outright accusations were rife in the ‘underground’ communication lines of the mission. windsong, board post, ‘Mormon Malignancy Seen in Mormon Missions’
I too saw missionaries whose parents were sick, even dying, or who were themselves struggling with health concerns, who were not allowed to return home, even if only temporarily. I saw a church and a program that deprives its young missionaries of normalcy and subjects them to appalling situations, like companion abuse and frequent hunger. I saw missionaries and members being expected to uphold THE PROGRAM, in effect, ‘worshipping’ the church rather than caring about its members, those they were ‘teaching’ and others. I saw young people being taught to evade and lie instead of embracing principles of honesty, fairness and truth. I saw a skewed doctrinal emphasis that bred mindless obedience and chilling lack of compassion. All of this adversely affected the missionaries, those they sought to teach and succeeded in baptizing, and church members themselves. Nightingale, board post, ‘Amen Windsong’