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M
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★ Mockumentaries (I)

So yes it’s been quite a summer.  We finally got a new Familiar.  But he had an accident and died.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e1: Resurrection, Nadja, BBC 2020  

 

That’s the tenth vampire I’ve killed this month.  ibid.  Guillermo  

  

Nadja: Look at all those pale desperate wretches scurrying around in the moonlight.

 

Colin Robinson: It’s a performing arts school.  ibid.

 

Firstly, and I’m not naming names, I have recently noticed that the house reeks of decaying flesh and there are dead birds everywhere.  ibid.  Nandor

 

You were bloody texting on your phone the whole time.  ibid.  Nadja to necomancer

 

 

Nadja: Humph!  We’ve got ghosts.

 

Laszlo: Bullshit.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e2: Ghosts

 

You saw one Babadook.  Don’t exaggerate.  ibid.  Nandor to Guillermo  

 

Nandor, there a fucking ghost on the front lawn!  ibid.  Laszlo    

 

That looks like ectoplasm.  Am I right?  ibid.  Colin Robinson to ghost

 

But without a body he is all Jeff and no Gregor.  And it stinks.  ibid.  Nadja

 

Could ghosts of us exist?  ibid.  Laszlo

 

You are very sweet.  But you’re not my responsibility any more.  You are just a lovely guy that I had very strong sex with a few hundred thousand times.  And then my husband cut your head off.  Move on.  ibid.  Nadja to ghost of Gregor-Jeff

 

 

We have been invited to a highly exclusive event.  We will be spending this Sunday evening at our neighbour Shawn’s Superb Owl [Super Bowl] Party.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e3: Brain Scrambles, Nandor

 

These poor women  they take a lovely handsome chap from the street, make him the husband, and then in the blink of an eye he becomes a big lazy sack of shit.  So sad.  ibid.  Nadja  

 

It is now necessary to do the humane thing and rip Sean’s head off.  ibid.  Nandor to Laszlo

 

You’re a mighty cool dude, Guillermo.  ibid.  head of vampire killers’ club    

 

 

Here we are [lifts studded box].  I keep all of my correspondences from the past seven and half centuries in this box.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e4: The Curse, Nandor

 

I’d say we’re fucked.  This light-box [laptop] has cursed us.  ibid.  Laszlo to Nandor & Nadja  

 

 

I think what’s happened is they’ve finally figured out that I don’t even know what this company does.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e5: Colin’s Promotion, Colin summoned to boss’s office

 

We’ve talked about it.  You’re supposed to support me when I want to kill someone.  ibid.

 

 

I now go by the name of Daytona.  Jackie Daytona.  And I’ll tell you something, Jackie Daytona’s life ain’t so bad.  Not bad at all.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e6: On the Run

 

I did however try to kiss the Nadja doll.  And it’s rejection stung.  ibid.  Colin Robinson

 

 

Nadja: We have just returned from the Talkies.  

 

Laszlo: They should never have added sound.  There’s pop music and people talking all the way through it.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e7: The Run

 

 

I guess these Mixers started are a way for Familiars to network and exchange support techniques.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e8: Collaboration, Guillermo at monthly meeting

 

 

From now on Guillermo will receive one day off per week.  Plus a fifteen minute break every four hours.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e9: Witches, Nandor

 

 

You guys need to clean up all these human juices.  What We Do in the Shadows s2e10: Nouveau Theatre des Vampires, Colin Robinson  

 

 

A lot of vampires have been slaughtered … The worst part is, it was Nando’s own Familiar that did the slaughtering … Talk to Nandor.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e1: The Prisoner, Nadja, BBC 2021

 

You four are hereby appointed to be the leaders of the vampiric council of the eastern seaboard of the new world.  ibid.  world council

 

 

I, Nandor the Relentless, will sit on my throne and make a number twos.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e2: The Cloak of Duplication

 

I’ve been struggling with my girlfriend Meg.  She’s not actually my girlfriend yet.  ibid.

 

 

Hi, guys.  Remember Gail?  I am inside her right now.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e3: Gail, Nandor in hotel room

 

We were just dancing between rounds of cunnilingus.  ibid.    

 

 

For vampires travelling away from home can be very difficult.  Most important rule, you must take with you the homeland soil of your coffin.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e4: The Casino  

 

 

Our neighbour Sean has kindly invited us to his for what he described as a boys’ only night.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e5: The Chamber of Judgement, Laszlo  

 

 

No, it’s a fucking urban myth, like ghosts or large penises.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e6: The Escape, Laszlo

 

I am now back and I’ve never felt better.  ibid.  Baron

 

 

Colin Robinson believes that Plum Island holds the secret to his energy vampire origins.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e7: The Siren, Laszlo  

 

 

Today’s a very special day.  It’s my master’s Accession Day.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e8: The Wellness Centre, Guillermo  

 

 

Nandor’s deprogramming is taking longer than we thought …  What We Do in the Shadows s3e9: A Farewell, Guillermo

 

 

Colin Robinson is no longer with us.  Vampires are no strangers to death.  They deal with that every day with the people that they kill but when they lose one of their own they still have to deal with it.  The only funeral-type tradition is that they get a new portrait made with all of them except for the newly deceased.  What We Do in the Shadows s3e10: The Portrait ***** Guillermo

 

 

He’s a wild little creature.  Full of mischief and surprises.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e1: Reunited, Laszlo re child of Colin Robinson

 

I grow homesick.  Not for Staten Island but my real home  Al Qoinidar.  ibid.  Nandor    

 

And you are going to help me pick a bride.  Because that’s what the best man does.  ibid.  Nandor to Guillermo  

 

I just really want to open a vampiric nightclub.  I mean come on.  It’s a no-brainer.  ibid.  Nadja

 

 

Are you a jinn?  You don’t look like a jinn.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e2: The Lamp, Nandor  

 

I wish you to bring back all thirty-seven of my dead wives.  ibid.  Nandor to jinn  

 

 

He [Richie Suck] is probably the greatest vampire rap artist of all time.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e3: The Grand Opening, Nadja  

 

Musical theatre is the lowest of all entertainments.  It’s a gutter pantomime performed by half-wits with painted faces, enjoyed by lower wits.  ibid.  Laszlo to Guillermo  

 

 

Everyone, we’re going to the night market.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e4: The Night Market, Nadja  

 

 

At least he’s not showing signs of being a bore or an energy vampire.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e5: Private School, Laszlo re son of Colin Robinson  

 

 

Guillermo, did you kick five holes in the wall and fuck a chicken?  What We Do in the Shadows s4e6: The Wedding, Nadja

 

 

Nothing wrong with a long weekend away from the ladies.   What We Do in the Shadows s4e7: Pine Barrens, Sean  

  

I work for the vampires who live here because I hope to become a vampire myself one day.  ibid.  Guillermo confesses to family

 

 

Ready to take on our biggest renovation yet … Go flip yourself.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e8: Go Flip Yourself, Daltry home brothers Bran & Toby

 

 

Nadja’s has become the hotspot for the Tri-State vampire community.  What We Do in the Shadows s4e9: Freddie    

 

 

 

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