Prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life. Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice. What is more, it too often leads to grievous sin, even to that sin against nature, homosexuality. For, done in private, it evolves often into mutual masturbation-practiced with another person of the same sex and thence into total homosexuality. Mormon Declaration of First Presidency 5th January 1982
Sometimes masturbation is the introduction to the more serious sins of exhibitionism and the gross sin of homosexuality. Spencer W Kimball, President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality, LDS New Era November 1980 p39
Maybe you was conceived with a weak sperm or something. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mum sat on it at the last second. Did I over-react? Bill Hicks, Sane Man
Turns out that she’s allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal; doesn’t become a violation until she physically acts on it. The Office US s9e18: Promos, Toby of Phyllis, NBC 2013
I’m a little bit worried about Ricky and the sheer amount of masturbating he’s doing. Trailer Park Boys s12e3: The Cunt Word, Bubbles
Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I’m a vile man; I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated. Gambled and whored. I’m not particularly good at violence, but I’m good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose? When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her tits bouncing. When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle’s boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged and I escaped justice. When I was twelve I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! Game of Thrones s1e6: A Golden Crown, Tyrion Lannister