Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years. Although we have run out of Shake n Vac. Red Dwarf s2e3: Thanks for the Memory, Holly
There’s a perfectly logical explanation for everything, with the possible exception of Little Jimmy Osmond. ibid.
I was an orphan. Even though my parents were alive. ibid. Rimmer
On the journey back to Earth we have encountered many strange and bizarre things: only last month we came across a moon which was shaped exactly like Felicity Kendall’s bottom. We flew around that one a couple of times. Red Dwarf s2e4: Stasis Leak, Holly
I am the nearest thing you can get to infallible. ibid. Holly
I loved that lemming. I build him a little wall so he could throw himself off. ibid. Rimmer
I was in love once: a Sinclair ZX-81. ibid. Holly
Our greatest enemy is going space-crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes. Red Dwarf s2e5: Queeg, Holly
I am Queeg Six. The Red Dwarf back-up computer. ibid. to crew
That’s a load of Tottenham, that is. A steaming pile of Hotspurs. ibid. Holly
As soon as I find the right small group of girls – the seven or eight women who are right for me – my wandering days are over, Buddy. Red Dwarf s2e6: Parallel Universe, Cat
The entire solar system is missing. ibid. Holly
I think in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived. Red Dwarf s3e1: Backwards, Cat to Lister, BBC 1989
It’s not really auto-pilot; it’s muggins here that has to do it. ibid. computer
It’s Earth all right, only Earth where Time is going backwards. ibid.
We’d better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom? ibid. Rimmer to Kryten
Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Black hole approaching! This is not a drill. This is a drill! [pneumatic drill sound] Abandon ship – Oh God, now the siren’s bust ... Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship! Red Dwarf s3e2: Marooned, Holly
Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole – its main distinguishing feature – is it’s black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: It’s always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn’t been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once. ibid.
Lister: Have you ever actually read any of it? [Shakespeare]
Rimmer: I’ve seen West Side Story. ibid.
Danger: Do not attempt to open this pod; the creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled. Red Dwarf se3: Polymorph
Give Quiche A Chance: Look, just because it’s an armour-plated killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn’t mean it’s a bad person. What we’ve got to do is get it round a table, put together a solution package, perhaps over tea and biscuits. ibid. Peacenik Arnie
Auto Destruct Sequence Detonated. The ship will detonate in fifteen minutes – fourteen minutes and fifty five seconds and counting … Red Dwarf s3e4: Body Swap
Kryten: Keep that safe; it’s Lister’s mind.
Cat [drops mini cassette in cup of tea]: Oops! ibid.
You’d never agree to it; we do a swap: my mind in your body, yours in mine ... Lend me your body for a few weeks and I’ll get it fit for you. ibid. Rimmer
Ah food. Real food. To eat perchance to taste. ibid. Rimmer as Lister
How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer? My lungs feel as though they’ve been through a cheesegrater. ibid. Lister as Lister to Rimmer as Rimmer
I hate my life. We seem to spend every day designing more and more ingenious ways of wasting time. I’m sick of it. Red Dwarf s3e5: Timeslides
Pub: Ah yes. A meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. ibid. Kryten inside photograph
You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants, living with a love-goddess-sex-bomb-model-megastar. You call this contentment? ibid. Rimmer to Lister
Personally I don’t much like the 2X4B – it’s a jerky middle name. Red Dwarf s3e6: The Last Day, Kryten to Rimmer
He needs replacing. Consequently, his inbuilt shutdown chip will automatically activate in twenty-four hours’ time. Your android should use this period to tie up his affairs, dismantle his body and pack himself neatly away in his original packing case. ibid. manufacturer’s message
I have served my human master and now I can look forward to my reward in silicon heaven. ibid. Kryten to Rimmer
For is it not written in the electronic Bible – the Iron shall lie down with the Lamp. ibid.
It’s no good, sir. I just can’t lie. Red Dwarf s4e1: Camille, BBC 1991
Gosh, you must think me as stupid as a photocopier. ibid. Kryten to Camille
I’m a pleasure gelf. ibid. her to him
I should have guessed; it was all a mighty bit too strange. Actually meeting someone who didn’t want to vomit all over me in complete loathing and disgust. ibid. Arnie
Transmogrification sequence initiated. Red Dwarf s4e2: DNA, computer on alien ship
I sold out ... Once many years ago I went into a wine bar. ibid. Lister to Kryten
Vindaloo Beast. ibid.
Lager – the only thing that can kill a Vindaloo. ibid.
Yesterday evening we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt. Red Dwarf s4e3: Justice, Kryten to Lister
Relax, sir, it’s just a mind probe. ibid.
Me and me mates – we used to go scrumping for cars. ibid. Lister
The Hologram known as Rimmer – guilty of second degree murder. 1,167 counts ... Sentence will commence immediately. ibid. penal colony justice computer
He held a position of little or no importance on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease monkey, a Zero, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of Life ... This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man. ibid. Kryten’s plea for Rimmer
Howdie doodlie doo. Red Dwarf s4e4: White Hole, talking toaster
I toast therefore I am. ibid.
You really think that air-head of a computer can become a genius again? ibid. Rimmer to Kryten et al
I know the meaning of the universe. ibid. Holly to Toaster
It’s as though we are experiencing relative dilation in an amazingly compressed space. ibid. Kryten to Rimmer
See you later. Ace. What a guy. Red Dwarf s4e5: Dimension Jump, Dave flight engineer to Rimmer ace pilot
Smoke me a kipper – I’ll be back for breakfast. ibid. alternative Rimmer
For every decision that’s made, an alternative decision is played out in another reality. ibid. Bongo to Ace Rimmer
The name’s Commander Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me Ace. I’ve come from another dimension. ibid. Ace
In the decades that followed Ace Rimmer searched countless realities and met thousands of different Arnold Rimmers. However, he never encountered an Arnold Rimmer as deeply sad and worthless and the one he’d met aboard Red Dwarf. His impossible search continues. ibid. caption
Essentially it’s a matter transporter. Red Dwarf s4e6: Meltdown, Kryten
It’s like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there’s James Last. ibid. Lister to Cat
The entire complex is a colossal wax droid theme park. ibid. Kryten
What a challenge – the greatest minds in military history against me. Let’s hope they’re up to it. ibid. Rimmer to Kryten
Kryten: They’ve taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they’ve taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat: Quick – let’s get out of here before they bring him back! Red Dwarf s5e1: Holoship, Kryten, BBC 1992
You always – and I mean always – having blown your nose have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps? ibid. Kryten
You simply have to seize the gift of life. Make a contribution. No matter how small. You simply have to have led a life that wasn’t totally egocentric, vain and self-serving. Red Dwarf s5e2: The Inquisitor, Kryten to Rimmer
My father was a half-crazed military failure. My mother was a bitch-queen from Hell. ibid. Rimmer
We’ve got a visitor ... I don’t want to spread panic or alarm. Red Dwarf s5e3: Terrorform, Holly
Sawing me in half will invalidate my guarantee. ibid. Kryten
The real enemy is inside Mr Rimmer’s head. ibid. Kryten
Mickey Mouse? We ain’t even Betty Boo. Red Dwarf s5e4: Quarantine, Cat
Schopenhauer was right, wouldn’t you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning. ibid. Dr Lanstrom