It’s falling in I’m worried about bwah-a-ha-ha-ha! Carry on at Your Convenience 1971 starring Sid James & Kenneth Williams & Charles Hawtrey & Joan Sims & Hattie Jacques & Bernard Bresslaw & Kenneth Cope & Patsy Rowlands & Jacki Piper & Richard O’Callaghan & Bill Maynard & et al, Sid Plummer, director Gerald Thomas
What do you think of it, my boy? Rather elegant, I’d say. ibid. W C Boggs
This ruling is another blow aimed at the fundamental rights of the worker. ibid. Vic Spanner
Did you hear that, Joey? All those naughty men are on strike again. ibid. Beattie Plummer to budgie
Kenneth Williams: I don’t believe it! They’re coming back!
Sid James: I had a feeling they would come back today.
Kenneth Williams: Why today?
Sid James: It’s the annual works’ outing. ibid.
It’s a place called Elsbels. Carry on Abroad 1972 starring Sidney James & Hattie Jacques & Kenneth Williams & Charles Hawtrey & Joan Sims & Bernard Bresslaw & Barbara Windsor & Kenneth Connor & Peter Butterworth & Jimmy Logan & June Whitefield, director Gerald Thomas, Cora Flange
I shall be praying to Him every night to keep your bowels open. ibid. Eustace’s mummy
Specialities of the house: Sausage, beans and chippings. ibid. Pepe
It’s been some time since I ... Yes, please. ibid.
How are your bowels? Carry on Matron 1972 starring Sid James & Kenneth Williams & Charles Hawtrey & Hattie Jacques & Joan Sims & Bernard Breslaw & Terry Scott & Kenneth Connor & Wendy Richard et al, director Gerald Thomas, Jacques to Williams
I’m a man like any man. ibid. Williams to Jacques
A bit of the old slap and tickle. Oh why not? After all it’s perfectly natural. You’re a man and I’m a woman. ibid. Williams to Jacques
I need to prove myself as a man ... There is a mutual attraction between us. You must have felt it. ibid.
I want to be wooed. ibid. Jacques to Williams
I’m only flesh and blood. I’m tingling like a beast. Aflame with passion. Burning with desire. ibid. Williams to Jacques
I am a woman. Not a Do it Yourself Kit. ibid. Jacques to Williams
Where is the filthy beast? [out of window] Ooh come back, you monster! Come back! ibid. Jacques to Williams
So you’re a Newt? Really? ibid. Williams & Hawtrey
... And I was a Tadpole for three years before that. ibid. Hawtrey
What Pond do you belong to? ibid. Williams
We swear to uphold the noble code of the Grand Order of Newts ... ibid.
Come To Fabulous Firecombe What the Hell For Carry on Girls 1973 starring Sid James & Barbara Windsor & Joan Sims & Kenneth Connor & Bernard Bresslaw & June Whitfield & Peter Butterworth & Jack Douglas & Patsy Rowlands & Joan Hickson & David Lodge & Wendy Richard & Bill Pertwee et al, director Gerald Thomas, graffiti on seaside sign
Chaperone? You and a bunch of beauty queens? It’s like asking Dracula to be in charge of a blood bank. ibid. Connie to Sidney
Sidney: When you get a bunch of young dollies, you’ve got to expect a bit of banging.
Connie: Well I expect you to get them all into bed at a reasonable hour. ibid.
I’m supposed to be covering the mayor’s opening this afternoon. ibid. photographer
Arthur – there is no need for that! Carry on Behind 1975 starring Kenneth Williams & Elke Sommer & Bernard Bresslaw & Kenneth Connor & Jack Douglas & Joan Sims & Windsor Davies & Peter Butterworth & Liz Fraser & Patsy Rowlands & Ian Lavender & Donald Hewlett et al, director Gerald Thomas, Sims to Bresslaw
Oooh, I feel so queer. ibid. Williams hospitalised
Oooh-er, stop messing about! ibid. Williams
All this maintenance business – the only reason they don’t give this job to the service robots is they’ve got a better union than us. Red Dwarf s1e1: The End, Holly, BBC 1988
Holly tells me he’s sensed a non-human life-form aboard. ibid. captain to crew
Everybody’s dead, Dave. ibid. Holly
Death? It’s like being on holiday with a group of Germans. ibid. Rimmer to Lister
During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold; they’ve been safely breeding there for three million years and evolved into the life-form you’ve just seen in the corridor. ibid. Holly
I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6,000. The same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers. Red Dwarf s1e2: Future Echoes
I can’t cope – we’re going at the speed of light – me bottle’s gone. ibid. Holly
I’ve never read ... a book. ibid. Lister to Rimmer
In the three million years we have been away it is my fond hope that mankind has abolished war, cured all disease, and got rid of those little western saloon doors you get in trendy clothes shops. Red Dwarf s1e3: Balance of Power, Holly
Generally slob around. Have a few laughs. ibid. Lister’s plan
If there’s no-one out there, what is the point in existence? Why are we here? Red Dwarf s1e4: Waiting for God, Rimmer to Lister
If you’re God, why that face? ibid. Cat to Lister
We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years and there are many things we’ve discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is man, and the lowest is a man who works for the Post Office. Red Dwarf s1e5: Confidence and Paranoia, Holly
Do you know what the worst book ever written ever was? Football: It’s a Funny Old Game by Kevin Keegan. ibid. Holly
We have enough food to last thirty thousand years, but we’ve only got one After Eight mint left. And everyone’s too polite to take it. Red Dwarf s1e6: Me Squared, Holly
I’ve got a final demand for one hundred and eighty billion pounds. April fool. ibid. Holly
Additional: as the days go by we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless uninhabited hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you. Red Dwarf s2e1: Kryten, BBC 1988
I’m Kryten. I’m the service mechanoid aboard the Nova Five. We’ve had a terrible accident. ibid.
Holly: We’re a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow’s milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We’re on the dog’s milk.
Lister: Dog’s milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog’s milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog’s milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger’ll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog’s milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it’s fresh.
Lister: Why didn’t you tell me, Holly?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea? ibid.
Your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace-hole. ibid. Lister
Loneliness weighs heavy on us all. Personally, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn. Red Dwarf s2e2: Better Than Life, Holly
The post-pod’s arrived. It’s been tracking us since we left and now we’ve turned round it’s caught up. Yes, that’s about average for second-class post. ibid. computer
Cat: I’m so hungry. I just have to eat!
Lister: Shh! ... Rimmer’s dad’s died.
Cat: I’d prefer chicken. ibid.