You simply have to seize the gift of life. Make a contribution. No matter how small. You simply have to have led a life that wasn’t totally egocentric, vain and self-serving. Red Dwarf s5e2: The Inquisitor, Kryten to Rimmer
My father was a half-crazed military failure. My mother was a bitch-queen from Hell. ibid. Rimmer
We’ve got a visitor ... I don’t want to spread panic or alarm. Red Dwarf s5e3: Terrorform, Holly
Sawing me in half will invalidate my guarantee. ibid. Kryten
The real enemy is inside Mr Rimmer’s head. ibid. Kryten
Mickey Mouse? We ain’t even Betty Boo. Red Dwarf s5e4: Quarantine, Cat
Schopenhauer was right, wouldn’t you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning. ibid. Dr Lanstrom
Higher Cat: We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfilment.
Cat: Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfilment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes. Red Dwarf s5e5: Demons & Angels, Kryten
This place is a shrine to everything that’s low and base, everything that’s designed to shrivel the soul and sicken the spirit: aargh, toastie-toppers, cinema hot dogs ... ibid.
There’s a blob on the sonoscope the size of New Mexico. And it’s heading your way. Red Dwarf s5e6: Back To Reality, Rimmer
This is a nightmare – I’m on the run from the fascist police with a murderer and a mass-murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. ibid. Rimmer
Next thing you’ll know you’ll be convinced you can play the guitar. Red Dwarf s6e1, Psirens, Kryten to Lister at breakfast table, BBC 1993
This is a giant space-ship graveyard. ibid. Lister
They strip the ship of whatever they can use and suck out your brains. ibid.
We’ve recycled the water so often it’s beginning to taste like Dutch lager. Red Dwarf s6e2: Legion, Kryten to Rimmer
Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages including Welsh. ibid. Rimmer
My name is Legion for we are many. ibid. Legion
I believe we’ve wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant hunting game. Red Dwarf s6e3: Gunmen of the Apocalypse
The escape pod is not an option. It escaped last Thursday. ibid. Lister
You think I’m a petty minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing pernickety regulations because he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of it: and in many ways you are absolutely damned right. Red Dwarf s6e4: Emohawk: Polymorph II, Rimmer
Let’s face it we’re as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll. ibid. Kryten
That’s it: we’re platform shoes, man. ibid. Cat
Fellas, smoke me a kipper – I’ll be back for breakfast. ibid.
It’s not common but it’s possible for a hologram to die. Red Dwarf s6e5: Rimmerworld, Kryten to Rimmer
We’ve got less options than a Welsh fish and chip shop. ibid. Cat
Well if it isn’t my old friends the human vermin. The [inaudible] slime, the puss-sucking puke-laden walking cesspits of unspeakableness. ibid. simulant to crew
In just six days I had created my own world – lush and verdant. ibid. Rimmer’s log
Who can forget of the famously insane European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries? ibid. Kryten to Rimmer
Maybe the bleak lonely pointless emptiness of our hopeless futile predicament is beginning to get to him. Red Dwarf s6s6: Out of Time, Kryten to Lister & Cat
Pockets of unreality which when encountered create false realities. ibid.
Don’t Nixon me, man. Tell me the truth. ibid. Lister to Kryten
Kryten: You’re good friends with the Hitlers?
Future Kryten: Oh it’s just a social thing. ibid.
Duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium. Red Dwarf s7e1: Tikka to Ride, Kryten to Lister, BBC 1997
That was Ace Rimmer. We’re lucky to be alive [crocodile drops on heads] Red Dwarf s7e2: Stoke Me a Clipper, Nazi
Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer. ibid. Ace to Arnie
You’re a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic, under-achieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. ibid. Lister to Rimmer
Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing, sir? Red Dwarf s7e3: Ouroboros, Kryten to Cat, with Lister
You’re not good enough for him. That’s all. OK, he may walk around smelling like a Balti House laundry basket, but he doesn’t need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there’s no tomorrow and bewitching him with your ... in and out bits. Pointy and unnecessary. ibid. Kryten
To pee or not to pee. That is the question. Red Dwarf s7e4: Duct Soup, Lister in bed
How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry? ibid. Kochanski
Salad cream belongs in the fridge and not in the cupboard. Red Dwarf s7e5: Blue, Kryten to Kochanski
We’re going to visit Pride & Prejudice Land. Red Dwarf s7e6: Beyond a Joke, Kochanski
I am the last man alive. Red Dwarf s7e7: Epideme, Lister to Kochanski
In forty-eight hours I’m going to be deader than Saturday night in Salt Lake City. ibid.
It’s Space – black with twinkly bits. Red Dwarf s7e8: Nanarchy, Lister
My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I’ve just attended a three day seminar entitled The Future of Plumbing. Red Dwarf s8e1: Back in the Red I, Rimmer to Lister
I’ve been classified as a woman. Red Dwarf s8e2: Back in the Red II, Kryten to Kochanski
I’m back and I’m bad! ibid. Kryten
Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps. Red Dwarf s8e3: Back in the Red III, Captain Hollister
I had absolutely nothing. And I threw it all away. Red Dwarf s8e4: Cassandra, Rimmer to Lister
Harness your stupidity, sir. ibid. Kryten to Rimmer
Live and lithe – Women’s shower night. Red Dwarf s8e5: Krytie TV, Kryten with camera
Those knives are supposed to be as sharp as a chemistry teacher’s cardigan. Red Dwarf s8e6: Pete, Rimmer to Lister
If T-Rex was a bloke he’d be a Geordie. Red Dwarf s8e7: Pete II, Lister
You are my nemesis. Red Dwarf s8e8: Only the Good, dispensing machine to Rimmer
Look, this is my vending machine maintenance Man of the Month certificate we are reframing here. The one and only Mr April. Red Dwarf IX: Back to Earth (The Director’s Cut), Rimmer to scutter, BBC 2009