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★ Comedy (I)

Tommy Cooper was born in Caerphilly Wales, March 1921 … They moved to Exeter … Aged 14, Tommy begins work at a shipbuilder’s … Army Days: 1939: Tommy joins the Horse Guards … 1977: Variety Club Tribute 1977 Cooper to Agnes, wife: ‘I told you to wait in the truck, didn’t I?’ … Your own wife heckles you, that’s good isn’t it?’ …  ibid. 

 

‘So I’d like to close now with a little song …’  ibid.  Prince Philip’s 60th birthday dinner

 

1980: Tommy’s last series: Cooper’s Half Hour.  ibid.  

 

1980: ‘His health was taking its toll I think, and it wasn’t just the drink.’  ibid.  

 

‘He sank down on his haunches, and he was sat there with the audience laughing their head off.’  ibid.  Jimmy Tarbuck

 

‘As he went down, I knew.’  ibid.  daughter  

 

 

Im an Englishwoman with all the feelings of an Englishwoman.  Joyce Grenfell, St Trinian’s series, cited Heroes of Comedy: Joyce Grenfell

 

 

Call me sausage.  Joyce Grenfell, The Happiest Days of Our Lives, 1950

 

 

Oh I say.  How jolly pulse throbbing.  Joyce Grenfell

 

 

In the late 50s ... Joyce seemed the incarnation of the British stiff-upper-lip-middle-class virtues that had got Britain through the war ... I think those virtues were real and in many ways have survived and make Britain worth living in still.  And she was the incarnation of them.  Clive James, author and broadcaster, interview Heroes of Comedy: Joyce Grenfell

 

She had gravitas ... She would get beyond satire into near tragedy.  ibid.

 

 

Everybody thinks of Joyce as quintessentially English but of course she was nearly three-quarters America.  James Roose-Evans, collator of letters and journals

 

 

He [Terry-Thomas] was a class act.  Nigel Havers, actor

 

 

How do you view?  Are you frightfully well?  You are?  Oh, good show!  Terry-Thomas’s opening lines on How Do You View

 

 

Everyone was talking about the gap between my teeth, my monocle, the fancy waistcoats I wore and the seven-inch cigarette holders I used.  Terry-Thomas

 

 

You are a positive shower.  Terry-Thomas to Ian Carmichael

 

 

Sorry for the delay but I’ve just discovered a technical hitch.  Terry Thomas, DJ smashing records routine

 

 

There were two areas you didn’t discuss with Frankie [Howerd]: one was his personal life and one was his tonsorial arrangements.  Michael Grade

 

 

It’s television, you see.  If you are not on the thing every week, the public think you are either dead or deported.  Frankie Howerd, attributed

 

 

I said where is this one-night stand?  He said it’s the Oxford Union.  Well I meant naturally I thought it was a pub.   Frankie Howerd on Campus, 1990

 

 

Oxford Union 1999: In no way could you call me an intellectual.  Which is why I feel so at home here tonight.  Frankie Howerd: Rather You than Me starring David Williams

 

He said, ‘Excuse me, are you game?’  She said, ‘Yes.’  So he shot her.  ibid.

 

I did do Comedy: you should have seen my Bottom.  ibid.

 

I feel limp.  I should be in bed.  ibid.

 

 

You lose your nerve, and then you don’t do so well, and then you’re not wanted so you lose your nerve more.  Frankie Howerd, BBC Arena 1990

 

 

Frankie Howerd was one of Britain’s most instantly recognisable comedians.  But behind the titters Frankie Howerd struggled with private secrets, things he wanted to keep from the public, things he wanted to hide even from himself.  Reputations s9e1: Frankie Howerd, BBC 2002

 

‘The public want sincerity from an artist.  And if you can fake that, you’re made.’  ibid.  Frankie  

 

‘He knew early on he was homosexual.’  ibid.  historian

 

Frank was in a state of near complete emotional collapse.  ibid.

 

Next up was a spot on the BBC’s new late-night satire show That Was the Week that Was.  ibid.

 

‘When he’d had a couple of drinks he used to get more verbose.’  ibid.  scriptwriter

 

Frank was invited to join the Carry On team for a couple of outings.  ibid.  

 

 

Oh I’m so bored.  Oh sod this for a lark.  I’m going on a crusade.  Up the Chastity Belt 1972 starring Frankie Howerd & Graham Crowden & Bill Fraser & Roy Hudd & Hugh Paddick & Anna Quayle & Fred Emney & David King & Lance Percival & Nora Swinburne & Godfrey Winn et al, director Bob Kellett, Frankie as King Richard

 

 

All alone in the field with the buttercups and daisies sometimes.  And I occasionally get an audience, would you believe.  Arena: The Frankie Howerd Story, Frankie with cow, BBC 2014

 

The Globe Theatre ... alas, it was not to be.  ibid.

 

Off stage he wasn’t like that at all.  ibid.  Max Bygraves

 

 

He [Frankie Howerd] fancied himself as an actor.  Then he drifted into comedy but he never really enjoyed it.  He hated what he did.  June Whitfield

 

 

Sybil, we’ve got to try and attract a better class of person.  FAWLTY TOWERS [crooked S]  Fawlty Towers s1e1: A Touch of Class ***** Basil

 

There is one thing – I was wondering can you cash me a small cheque?  ibid.  Lord Melbury to Basil

 

Lord Melbury – he’s not Lord Melbury.  He’s a confidence trickster.  ibid.  Polly to Basil

 

A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water please!  ibid.  guest to Basil

 

 

What’s the point in being alive?  FAWLTY TOWER [crooked L]  (Hotel & Comedy)  Fawlty Towers s1e2: The Builders, Polly to Basil

 

You want Room 16 for him? [points to garden gnome]  ibid.  Manuel to delivery man

 

We’re all dead.  ibid.  Basil to Polly

 

I’m afraid the dining-room door’s disappeared.  ibid.  Basil to Major

 

My wife – she will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue.  ibid.  Basil to O’Reilly

 

 

Get on with your meals.  FAWLTY TITTIES.  Fawlty Towers s1e3: The Wedding Party, Basil’s instructions to guests

 

You have enjoyed yourself, haven’t you?  ibid.  Basil

 

 

I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my nest of vipers, if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.  FAW TY TO ER.  Fawlty Towers s1e4: The Hotel Inspectors, Basil to Sybil

 

There are some hotel inspectors in town.  ibid.  Sybil to Basil

 

How can it be so difficult to get a cheese salad?  ibid.  guest to Basil & Polly

 

It’s always a pleasure to meet someone who appreciates the boudoir of the grape.  I’m afraid most people we get in here don’t know a Bordeaux from a Claret.  ibid.

 

I can’t breathe!  ibid.  guest to Basil

 

I’m not a violent man, Mr Fawlty.  ibid.

 

And what can I do for you three gentlemen?  Aaaagh!  ibid.  Basil to hotel inspectors

 

 

In a moment, my little piranha fish.  WARTY TOWELS.  Fawlty Towers s1e5: Gourmet Night, Basil to Sybil

 

Mother of boy: He’s rather highly strung.

 

Basil: Yes he should be.  ibid.

 

You vicious bastard!  Come on!  Oh my God!  I’m warning you!  If you don’t start!  I’ll count to three, one, two, three.  Right, that’s it ... I’m going to give you a damned good thrashing.  ibid.  Basil to car

 

Duck’s off.  Sorry.  ibid.  Basil to guests

 

 

Oooh and I forget to scrape the mould off the Cheddar this morning so remind Chef.  And do try and find time to get the Moose’s head up.  It’s been sitting there for two weeks.  Fawlty Towers s1e6: The Germans, Sybil in hospital to Basil

 

Strange creatures, women.  I knew one once.  ibid.  Major to Basil

 

I took her to see India.  At the Oval.  ibid.

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