Banned from television Manning became the new alternative comedy that went underground. ibid.
Viz from Newcastle. ibid.
Rude traditions of northern clubland also lived on. Here the reigning king is now Roy Chubby Brown. ibid.
One series proves that television’s mass democracy of rude can still exist today: Little Britain. ibid.
What rudeness there is has a cordon sanitaire placed around it. ibid.
There has always been a war between rude and crude. ibid.
And now we’re just playing out this dream … the slow circling of the dream by a once promising species and the sappy ever more desperate belief in this country that there is some sort of American dream which has merely been displaced. George Carlin, Brain Droppings audio
I loathe and despise the groups they belong to. ibid.
My motto: fuck hope. ibid.
No-one in this country owns his personal appearance any more. America has become a nation of obedient consumers actively participating in their own degradation. ibid.
That’s all you house is – a place to keep your stuff … While you go out and get – more stuff. ibid.
You know what we need? New Zodiac signs … that represent today’s reality: the serial rapist, the lone guman, the suicide bomber … ibid.
This yestermania of ours includes fantasy baseball camps … In this case, the age of hyphens, we are truly retro-America. ibid.
Let’s start with ‘public seating area’; it’s a goddamned seat. George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty
Let me say it’s great to be back … Mostly nostalgia … I’m not complaining, it’s only material goods … I really could use a bicycle … Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs … He [Lazarus] wasn’t dead; he was hungover … Actually we had thirteen … Red the Apostle: Nah! Red kept pretty much to himself … Don’t get started on Judas! … You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach … I thought it would rain … I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion … With the population explosion it’s one angel for every six people … We just don’t have the staff to handle the workload any more … Today, you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer finger nails, to lose weight … Don’t give your money to the Church: they should be giving their money to you … Bell-bottoms will be coming back in the years 2015. ibid.
I definitely cannot eat oysters, not for usual reason of a similarity to snot … ibid.
All this ignorant bullshit you have to listen to about children … Your children are overrated and over valued, and you’ve turned them into little cult objects … John Wayne Gacy loved his children, yes he did, kept them all right out in the yard near the garage … Most of them are rather unpleasant. ibid.
Art thief is a man who takes pictures. ibid.
Take a fucking chance once in a while. ibid.
In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. ibid.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. ibid.
All businessmen are completely full of shit. Just the worst kind of criminal cocksuckers you can expect to meet. ibid.
But folks I have to tell you in the bullshit department a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. Because when it comes to bullshit, bigtime major-league bullshit, you have to stand in awe – in awe – of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims – Religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people, many of them adults, that there’s an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything they do, every minute of every day, and has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send You to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever to the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He is all-powerful, all perfect, all-knowing and all-wise, somehow he just can’t handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes and somehow they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good bullshit story – holy shit! ibid.
I don’t want to know what country the pope is in, but show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumping off the roof and I’m a happy guy. ibid.
That’s what got us in trouble in the first place – interfering with Nature. Meddling. Doesn’t anybody understand that? … Stop interfering. Leave Nature alone: haven’t we done enough damage? … And the supreme arrogance – Save the Planet. Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves. We haven’t learned to care for one another – we’re gonna save the fucking plane? ibid.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place – the planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doing great; it’s been there over four billion years … Believe me, the planet has put up with much worse than us … The planet isn’t going anywhere, folks. We are. We’re going away. Pack your shit, we’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation. Another closed-end biological mistake. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas, and it will heal itself, because that’s what the planet does – it’s a self-correcting system. The air and water and earth recover and be renewed, and if plastic is not degradable, well, most likely, the Earth will include it in a new paradigm. Earth plus plastic. The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice against plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth; She probably sees it as one of her many children. In fact, it could be the reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned in the first place – it wanted plastic and didn’t know how to make it. It needed us. That could be the answer to our age-old question: why are we here? Plastic, assholes! ibid.
The major sports have grown kind of boring and predictable, and the public has become jaded. So I’m suggesting a few changes that would add excitement to the games and increase their entertainment value. Baseball has one major problem: not enough serious injuries … Fans are crying out for someone to really be hurt badly, so, to raise the injury level, what I would do is place thirty to forty land-mines in the outfield … Like most good ideas it’s uncomplicated: if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball the batter is out. That’s it. A simple idea. But it could make quite a difference. And maybe if the ball hits the batter in the head it could be a double play … George Carlin, More Napalm & Silly Putty
Football is already a perfect game … While the coin is in the air, the team captains should be allowed to kick the officials; it would get things going on a positive note … If there’s a fight, you move it off to one side of the field … This men are physical freaks full of drugs and anger and they’re here to entertain us … Instead, I would have all ninety men out on the field at all times … Ninety steroid monstrosities geeked on amphetamines racing around the field trying to hurt one another. Here’s another way to spice up the game: leave the injured players on the field … ibid.
Name six ways we’re better than chickens. ibid.
Any time holy people are killing one another I’m a happy guy. ibid.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto never got their laundry done. ibid.
I make fun of people who are religious because I think they are fundamentally weak. But I want you to know that on a personal level when it comes to believing in God I tried. I mean I really really tried. I tried to believe that there’s a God who created us in his own image, loves us very much, then keeps a close eye on things. I tried to believe it. But I gotta tell you, the longer you live, and the more you look around, the more you realise something is fucked up. Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you’d expect from the office temp with a bad attitude. In any well managed universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. So if there is a God, if there is, I think reasonable people might agree he is at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t give a shit. Which I admire in a person. And which would explain a lot of his results. ibid.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Cosmologists are just now beginning to accept the possibility that the big bang was actually caused by a huge explosion in a meth lab. ibid.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. ibid.
There’s a radio commercial that says a certain diet pill works three times faster than starvation. ibid.
Islamic fundamentalists: they’re gonna get ya … Anyone who supports the United States will be killed. ibid.
There are no innocent Americans. ibid.
Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. ibid.
United – we’re fucked! ibid.
Every ninety minutes in this country someone gets hit by a train. ibid.
People I can do without … How many people here hate their boss? … How many people hate at least one member of their spouse’s family? … a pimp who drives a Ford Escort … Guys with a lot of pins on their hat … A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breastfeading homeless people … old women who get drunk and throw up at brunch … A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin … People who have large gums and small teeth … Any woman whose arm hair completely covers her wrist watch. George Carlin live in New York July 1997
The bankers who launder the drug money … You want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start to execute a few of these fucking bankers … Let’s bring back crucifixion … Naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at the half-time football game. ibid.