No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean fingernails. John Mortimer, A Voyage Round My Father, 1971
They say that crime doesn’t pay, but it’s a living, you know. Play for Today: Rumpole of the Bailey aka Rumpole and the Confession of Guilt, Rumpole, BBC 1975
You’re an Old Bailey hack; that’s what you are. ibid. Mrs Rumpole
I never look back at the dock. I never watch their faces when sentence is passed. ibid. Rumpole
Our brilliant client made a full, frank and free confession to the police. ibid.
We’re all guilty of something. ibid.
How did this family feud begin exactly? Rumpole of the Bailey s1e1: Rumpole and the Younger Generation, Rumpole to Timsons, ITV 1975
Mr Rumpole, you are speaking a language which is totally foreign to me. ibid. judge
She who must be obeyed. ibid. Rumpole to son
I’m always saying we should do more civil. ibid. Erskine-Brown
Tax cases make the world go round. ibid. Rumpole
For the good of Chambers. ibid. toast
The kick of a mouse in carpet slippers. Rumpole of the Bailey s1e2: Rumpole and the Alternative Society, Rumpole re soft drinks
I was called up to marriage like military service. ibid. Rumpole
Rent-a-hippy – what a life, eh. Gang-bangs on the national assistance. ibid. prosecutor to Rumpole
For a box of small cigars I’d give up the law. ibid. Rumpole
It’s illegal – isn’t that all we need to know? ibid. Judge re cannabis
My motivation? Money. Rumpole of the Bailey s1e3: Rumpole and the Honourable Member, Rumpole at dinner
I’d even make the supreme sacrifice and stop giving you my seat on the bus. ibid. Rumpole to Nick’s intended
Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here. Rumpole of the Bailey s1e4: Rumpole and the Married Lady, Hilda to Rumpole
Knowing the law has got almost nothing to do with being a lawyer. ibid. Rumpole to Miss Trant
They’d rather have war together than lonely peace. ibid.
Rumpole, you’re not normal. Rumpole of the Bailey s1e5: Rumpole and the Learned Friends, Hilda
What’s the use of spending the whole of your life in an attitude of perpetual apology? ibid. Rumpole to Guthrie
Fight everything: what else have we got left to do? ibid. Rumpole
I give you a toast – here’s to our future, which now shows every sign of being exactly like our past. ibid. Rumpole to Hilda
I’ll call on you if I can’t remember to cross-examine. Rumpole of the Bailey s1e6: Rumpole and the Heavy Brigade, Rumpole to Guthrie
Don’t underestimate yourself, madam. You have bred three sons and given a great deal of employment to the legal profession. ibid. Rumpole to accused’s mother
I suppose after this I can get back to a better quality of crime. ibid. Rumpole
Abolish crime you abolish the very basis of our existence. ibid. Rumpole at the Savoy
The trouble with vicars is they make the most terrible witnesses. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e1: Rumpole and the Man of God, Rumpole
What puzzles the ordinary fellow is, If God is all wise and perfectly good, then why on Earth did he put Evil in the world? ibid. defendant
I have complete faith in your brother’s innocence. ibid. Rumpole
I thought you might of at least have told me the truth. ibid. Rumpole to Vicar
George Frobisher’s always been a bad influence on you. ibid. Mrs Rumpole to Rumpole
I’m not altogether sure I like cast-iron alibis. They are the sort that sink quickest to the bottom of the sea. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e2, Rumpole and the Case of Identity, Rumpole to client
Meanwhile, perhaps you’d like to form a small subcommittee to deal with the mice in chambers. ibid. Guthrie to Erskine-Brown
The worse sort of judge – the judge who makes jokes. ibid. Rumpole in court
Beautiful people – like you, Miss Trant. ibid. Guthrie
Marigold Guthrie: He’s never there.
Rumpole: Ah well that can be an advantage in married life. ibid.
What on Earth did she [Mrs Guthrie] consult you for? ibid. Guthrie to Rumpole
It’s all mapped out for you, Guthrie, from cradle to the grave. ibid. Rumpole
It is because you want to be the only anarchist in chambers. ibid. Guthrie
We are not electric lights, members of the jury. ibid. Judge
I suppose Murder’s a draw anywhere, isn’t it? Rumpole of the Bailey s2e3, Rumpole and the Show Folk, show-business bloke
The world of the show folk – they live a strange life. ibid. prosecutor
Rumpole: Don’t you believe in God?
Accused: I suppose He’s a possibility. He just doesn’t seem to be a very frequent visitor to the East Grim Rep. ibid. accused
It’s all a game to you, isn’t it? ibid.
What sort of a show is it exactly? ibid. Rumpole, re Law
Circus [circuit] judge? Never in a million years. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e4: Rumpole and the Fascist Beast, Rumpole
He has committed a foul. ibid. Guthrie
It’s very easy to believe in free speech for those we agree with. ibid. Rumpole
It never ceases to astonish me why people make confession statements. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e5: Rumpole and the Course of True Love, Rumpole
What’s marriage? Lawful carnal knowledge. ibid.
I wonder if there isn’t too much poetry taught in school nowadays. ibid. George Frobisher
I’m only here to provide the light relief – bring on the dancing Rumpole. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e6: Rumpole and the Age for Retirement, Rumpole in court
He ought to bloody retire! ibid. losing client
The Lord Chamberlain’s offices – I know – look upon these chambers with a certain amount of – shall we say – goodwill. Rumpole of the Bailey s3e1: Rumpole and the Genuine Article, Guthrie to Rumpole
My Lord, you have fulfilled your destiny. ibid. Rumpole before Guthrie the judge
I consider it my duty to be as difficult as possible. ibid.
Keep the hands out of the pockets, Horace. ibid. Guthrie
Rumpole: There’s something burning in the kitchen.
Hilda: That was your dinner. ibid.
Did he do in the dear old Bishop? Rumpole of the Bailey s3e2: Rumpole and the Golden Thread, Rumpole at lunch
The common law of England: the presumption of innocence: you know what you told me: the golden thread that runs through the history of the law. ibid.
The end will be entirely a matter for me. ibid. judge
I always knew it. It knew I’d end up in the nick. It was my nightmare. ibid. Rumpole taken by rozzers
LAC – Lawyers as Churchgoers. Rumpole of the Bailey s3e3: Rumpole and the Old Boy Network
But you must stick to the rules. You can swear at them, argue your way round them, do your damndest to change them, but if you break them, how the hell are you going to help the other poor [...] who gets into trouble? ibid.