Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked. The Office US s4e18&19: Goodbye Toby, Dwight
I have a very strong prejudice against human resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. ibid. Michael
What do I do here? I should have written it down. ibid. Creed
Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock as a going-away present? ibid. Michael to office
Holly is sweat and simple. Like a lady baker. ibid. Michael
Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. ibid. Michael
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years. The Office US s5e1&2: Weightloss, Michael
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It’s going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don’t get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It’s from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed interview] Creed: That wasn’t a tapeworm. ibid.
Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh hello, Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I’m sorry ... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid-twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. ibid.
That isn’t ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules. The Office US s5e3: Business Ethics, Oscar
I just don’t want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. What sort of place is that to call home? ibid. Michael to Holly
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. The Office US s5e4: Baby Shower, Dwight
The baby could be anybody’s. Except Michael’s. ibid. Dwight
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them ... If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no ... government, and ... things could get terrible. ibid. Michael
In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex … If she starts having sex with me, I’ll know for sure. The Office US s5e5: Crime Aid, Michael
I’m calling it Crime-aid … It’s us fighting against our own poverty. ibid.
You’re crying. Allergies? Did Darryl touch you? The Office US s5e6: Employee Transfer, Michael to Holly
The company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. The Office US s5e7: Customer Survey, Pam
If history tells us anything it’s that you can’t be wrong buying a house you can’t afford. ibid. Jim
In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. The Office US s5e8: Business Trip, Michael’s business trip advice
Oscar: What’s first base with Angela?
Andy: I get to kiss her forehead. ibid.
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier; it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier. The Office US s5e9, Dwight
We have radon coming from below, asbestos in the ceilings. The Office US s5e10: The Surplus, Toby
Andy: What’s that smell?
Dwight: You’re going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It’s manure. Dwight. You need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You’re going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don’t you? ibid.
This is the first Christmas party I’m throwing as Head of the Party Planning Committee. The theme is Nights in Morocco. This isn’t your Grandmother’s Christmas Party. Unless of course she is from Morocco. In which case it’s very accurate. The Office US s5e11: Moroccan Christmas, Phyllis
I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though. ibid. Angela
I am simply punishing the parents that will wait to the last minute to give their child a gift. ibid. Dwight
It’s a surprise party for people who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop. ibid. Michael’s idea for party
In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention: awareness, education, control, acceptance, and punching. ibid. Dwight
As it happens you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan. ibid. Michael
Rule 17: Don’t turn your back on bears whom you have wronged or a dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five [sings] ... You’ll be eaten in your sleep – haaachch! The Office US s5e12: The Duel, Dwight
My philosophy is basically this. And this is something I live by and I always have and I always will: don’t ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever no matter what. No matter where or who or who you are with, or, or where you are going or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever. ibid. Michael to David Wallace
I’ve had two men fight over me before. Usually it’s over which one gets to hold the camcorder. ibid. Meredith
The Sasquatch is the strongest animal on the planet. ibid. Dwight
It just goes to show. You leave Scranton – exciting things can happen. ibid. Michael
Dwight: What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter, and we have to seduced her in order to get their secrets?
Michael: I will seduce her. ibid.
Dwight: You’ll fall in love with her.
Michael: Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support. The Office US s5e13: Prince Family Paper
In nature there’s something called the food chain. It’s where the shark eats the little shark, and the little shark eats the littler shark, and so on and so on and so on until you get down to the single-celled shark. So now you replace sharks with paper companies. And that is all you need to know about business. ibid. Michael
OK, time for the final votes: all those in favour of the resolution Hilary Swank is hot? OK, and all those opposed? ibid. Andy
Stay fucking calm! The Office US s5e14&15: Stress Relief, Michael
We’re trapped. Everyone for himself. ibid.
Nobody should have to go to working thinking – oh this is the place I might die today ... Office is for not dying. ibid. Michael
An office is a place where dreams come true. ibid.
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo. ibid.
Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet. The Office US s5e16&17: Lecture Circuit
I’ve got to make sure that Youtube comes down to tape this. ibid. Michael
This company still doesn’t recognise cat maternity. ibid.
They are good decent cats. ibid. Angela