Wise Man presents gift: We are three wise men.
Mary: What?
Wise Man: We are three wise men.
Mary: Well what are doing creeping around in this house at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me. Monty Python’s Life of Brian 1979 ***** starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Eric Idle & Terry Jones & Michael Palin & Kenneth Colley & Neil Innes & Gwen Taylor & Terence barler & Carol Cleveland & Spike Milligan et al, director Terry Jones
Homage? You’re all drunk. It’s disgusting. Out! ibid. Mary
Wise man: We were led by a star.
Mary: Led by the bottle more like. ibid.
What is Myrrh anyway? A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. ibid. Mary
We worship you, O, Brian. ibid. three wise men
Let’s go to the stoning. ibid. mother of Brian to Brian
I think it was blessed are the cheesemakers. ibid.
Oh it’s the meek. Blessed are the meek. Oh that’s nice. I’m glad they’re getting something cause they’ve had a hell of a time. ibid. woman in crowd
Feel the quality of that ... Should be a good one this afternoon. Local boy. Enjoy yourselves. ibid. stone-seller
How could it be worse? Jehovah! ibid. blasphemer
Miracle. Jesus did, sir. ibid. ex-leper begging alms
Coliseum: Children’s Matinee. ibid. at the games
Brian: Are you the Judean People’s Front?
Reg: Fuck off! Judean People’s Front! We’re the People’s Front of Judea. Judean People’s Front cor!
Other bloke: Wankers.
Brian: I hate the Romans as much as anybody. ibid. Brian
Reg: The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People’s Front. ibid.
Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I’ve followed a few. ibid.
Brian’s Mother: He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! ibid.
Brian: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence ...]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord? ibid.
The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian’s Mother: The who?
The Crowd: The Messiah!
Brian’s Mother: There’s no Messiah in here. There’s a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now fuck off! ibid.
CENTURION: What’s this, then? Romanes Eunt Domus? People called Romanes they go the house? ... What’s Latin for Roman? Come on! ... Come on! ... Goes like? ... Vocative plural of ‘annus’ is...? ... Romani. Eunt? What is eunt? ... Conjugate the verb ‘to go’ ... So ‘eunt’ is? ... But ‘Romans, go home’ is an order, so you must use the...? Which is...? ... How many Romans? ... Ite ... Domus? ... Nominative? ... Go home? This is motion towards. Isn’t it, boy? ... Except that ‘domus’ takes the...? ... Which is...? ... Domum ... Um. Understand? ... Now, write it out a hundred times. ibid.
Reg: And what have they given us in return? ... I grant you the aqueducts and the sanitation ... All right but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? ibid.
Man on wall to Brian: You lucky bastard. You lucky lucky bastard. Proper little jailer’s pet aren’t we. We must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? Oh what wouldn’t I give to be spat at in the face? ... Manacles? My idea of heaven is to allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours ... They must think the sun shines out of your arse, son ... You’ll probably get away with crucifixion. Yeah, first offence. Best thing Romans ever done for us ... Nail em up, I say. ibid.
Centurion: Crucifixion. Nasty, eh?
Old man: Could be worse.
Centurion: What do you mean could be worse?
Old man: Well could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed takes a second. Crucifixion last hours. It’s a slow horrible death.
Old Man: We at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You’re weird. ibid.
Centurion: Next. Crucifixion? Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion, yes? Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? [No, freedom] What? Oh, Well that’s jolly good, well off you go then. ibid.
Centurion to Crucifixees: Crucifixion party. Good morning. Now, we will be on show as we go through the town so don’t let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. ibid.
See not so bad once you’re up. You being rescued then are ya? Ooo naah naah we got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. Oh yeah, my brother usually rescues me. ibid. neighbour on cross