Having patients around would be no help at all. ibid. DHSS civil servant to Sir Humphrey
Jim: The National Health Service, Humphrey, is an advanced case of galloping bureaucracy.
Sir Humphrey: Ooooh, certainly not galloping. A gentle canter at the most. ibid.
When money is allocated to the health or social services, parliament and the country feel cleansed, purified, absolved. It is a sacrifice. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
The minister doesn’t know his ACAS from his NALGO. ibid. Sir Humphrey to trade unionist
Are honours really the most serious concern of this entire department? Yes, Minister s2e2: Doing The Honours, Jim to Bernard
We only get five hundred a head for UK students. ibid. Balliol professor to Sir Humphrey
Humphrey, did you know that 20% of all honours go to civil servants? ibid. Jim
Balliol College does have an outstanding record. It’s filled the jails of the British Empire for many years. ibid.
Jim: How do they award the Thistle?
Bernard: A committee sits on it. ibid.
What does egregious mean? Yes, Minister s2e3: The Death List, Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
Ironically, it is the egregious Jim’s department that is now responsible for supplying all the government’s computerised bugging equipment. Presumably, this makes him the government’s chief bugger. ibid. Jim reads Private Eye
Freedom is indivisible; ministers are expendable. ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
They could be home-grown loonies. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim, with Bernard
They don’t think that you’re really important enough to be worth assassinating you. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
I know just the sort of minister you mean. Political jellyfish. Terrified of taking any decision that might upset someone. After all, every decision upsets someone. Doesn’t it? Good government is doing what’s right, not just doing what’s popular. Yes, Minister s2e4: The Greasy Pole, Jim to Sir Humphrey
Indeed it could well be argued that the Sermon on the Mount had it been a government report should certainly not have been published. A most irresponsible document. All that stuff about the meek inheriting the Earth could do irreparable damage to the defence budget. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
Oh, Minister, why must you always be so concerned with climbing the greasy pole? ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
In my opinion we are far more leaked against than leaking. ibid. Jim to Bernard
That is the penalty we have to pay for trying to pretend we’re Europeans. Yes, Minister s2e5: The Devil You Know, Sir Humphrey to Jim, with Bernard
We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans. ibid.
It’s all a great big gravy train. ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
It’s about this reshuffle that’s on the cards. ibid. Jim to Bernard
Sir Humphrey: Well, you’re a banker. Surely you read the Financial Times?
Sir Desmond the banker: Can’t understand it. Full of economic theory. Yes, Minister s2e6: The Quality of Life
Our minister is very average. ibid. Sir Humphrey to banker
You know why he’s called a minister of the Crown, don’t you? He’s always talking through the top of his head. Or the back of it. ibid.
The Sun specifically asked if you could be photographed amongst the donkeys. ibid.
Difficult for the board to walk four hundred yards to lunch. And impossible to walk back afterwards. ibid. Sir Desmond to Jim et al
It helps us to take government out of politics. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
Jim: What idiot authorised that?
Bernard: You did, minister. ibid.
Once something goes wrong the minister’s first instincts is to rat on his department. Yes, Minister s2e7: A Question of Loyalty, Sir Humphrey to Bernard
Couldn’t you have stalled a bit more effectively? ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
Government policy has nothing to do with common sense. ibid. Sir Humphrey before Select Committee
Yes, I do see there is a real dilemma here. In that while it has been government policy to regard policy as the responsibility of ministers, and administration as the responsibility of officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Select Committee
It also makes one very humble. Yes, Minister s3e1: Equal Opportunities, Jim to young journalist Cathy
What have you personally achieved? ibid. Cathy to Jim
She was assuming there was some moral basis for your activities. ibid. Annie to Jim
Make them put more women into top civil service jobs. ibid.
Most of the work here only needs about two O-Levels anyway. ibid. Under Secretary Sarah to Jim
Jim: I have made a policy decision. I’m going to do something about the number of women in the civil service.
Sir Humphrey: Surely there aren’t that many? ibid.
I’m going to announce a quota. ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
Some of my best friends are women. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim, with Bernard
I am now positively against discrimination against women and positively in favour of positive discrimination in their favour. Discriminating discrimination of course. ibid.
We must in my view always have the right to promote the best man for the job regardless of sex. ibid.
I’ve had enough of the pointless intrigue. ibid. Sarah to Jim, with Sir Humphrey & Bernard
We’ve had to take on more staff in order to reduce staff. Yes, Minister s3e2: The Challenge, Jim on radio
Local democracy’s a farce. ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
Yes but I didn’t expect you to do anything. I mean you’ve never done anything before. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim, with Bernard
This is a unilateralist borough. We do not believe in nuclear war in Thames Marsh. ibid. Mr Stanley to Jim, with Cartwright
There can be absolutely no question of the BBC ever giving in to government pressure. ibid. BBC boss to Jim & Sir Humphrey
The proposal to take disciplinary action against the South Derbyshire local authority ... They won’t return their blue forms. Yes, Minister s3e3: The Skeleton in the Cupboard, Sir Humphrey with Jim et al around table
Parkinson’s Law of Social Work you see. It’s well known that social problems increase to occupy the total number of social workers ... ibid. Dr Cartwright to Jim
Minutes must be taken. Records must be kept. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
If we weren’t here, if we didn’t do it, what then? ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey
Administration is eternal. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim
Jim: Humphrey is not God, OK?
Bernard: Well shall you tell him or shall I? ibid.
You are so strict about a little gift and yet your electronics company pays our finance minister a million dollars for his co-operation in securing this contract. Yes, Minister s3e4: The Moral Dimension, Arab civil servant
Sir Humphrey: I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question. It might provoke a direct answer.
Jim: It never has yet. ibid.
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. ibid. Sir Humphrey to Jim, with Bernard
There is a moral dimension. ibid. Jim to Sir Humphrey, with Bernard
We have looked into every brown envelope … ibid. Jim to Guardian journalist