ODE TO DODO
Oh Dodo, Dodo
Weirder than Odo, Odo
Chins wobble-o wobble-o
Worthless promises blow-blow.
You’ve met some people,
You’ve read some books,
Are you a tower of intellect
Not a second-rate crook?
Oh Dodo, Dodo
You’ve lost your halo halo
Where wisdom lies fallow
In a brain of blackcurrant jello. [2013]
[In 2012 Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) apostle Jeffrey R Holland was interviewed by John Sweeney for the BBC programme This World: The Mormon Candidate. Holland said, ‘We’re not a cult. I’m not an idiot, you know. I’ve read a couple of books and I’ve been to a pretty good school, and I have chosen to be in this church because of the faith that I feel and the inspiration that comes. I’ve met people, and if people want to call us a cult, they can call us a cult and you can call us a cult, but we are 14-million and growing, and I’d like to think that your respect for me would be enough to know that this man doesn’t seem like a dodo.’
The world was suitably shocked both by his claim to have read a couple of books. And by the unrepentant unprovoked vicious attack on the Dodo. Within twenty-four hours the apostle was dubbed by the author the sobriquet ‘Dodo Holland’.]
THE MEANING OF LIFE
THE MEANING OF LIFE
Plato pursues the platitude of good
Aristotle urges we do what we should
The Cynics reject wealth, fame and power
The Hedonists are a party-going shower
Epicureans want a life pain free
Stoics are patient and sigh c’est la vie
Enlightenment teaches natural rights
Liberal wimps practise politics light
Bentham’s ‘greatest happiness principle’ —
Utilitarianism is the title.
Kant can’t abide the unprincipled fool
Nihilists think God is dead as a rule
Pragmatists struggle through practical strife
Existentialists create their own Life
Absurdists expect a disharmony
Secular humanists claim we are free
Logical positivism doesn’t ask
For Postmodernists scrutiny’s the task
Pantheists nurture the environment
Confucius is an ordinary gent
Buddhists are hippies and seek Nirvana
Mohists give free love in their pyjamas
Legalists hanker the kernel of knowledge
Christians on Sunday like to trim their hedge
Catholics prefer love au natural
The Mormons snatch a harem of gals
The Jewish God adores a wild killing spree
The Baha’i faith seeks human harmony
Zoroastrianism divides right from wrong
Quakers are silent, never sing a song
Islamists worship Allahu Akbar
Hinduists seek Karma and Sansara
Janists are veggies, never hurt a fly
Sikhs wear headscarves but never wear a tie
Taoists maintain natural truth in tune
Shintoists watch Sumo from April to June
Don’t let the bastards tell you what to do —
Ask a computer you’ll get 42.
Never be hoodwinked, never bend the knee —
And most important — $ never give money. [2012]
DISTORTION
We’re a God-awful small affair
In the bar of the grime-brown Goat.
The devil with the coal-black hair
Blows smoke through a hole in his throat.
I’m sorry, you haven’t a prayer
The rules of the game he rewrote.
Take your cue and fracture the pack
But the game is a frightening bore
Odds of evens to clear the rack
He’s cheated you ten times before
He’ll bring his hand down on your back
And rescue you from the soiled floor.
Don’t wager your very last cent
Watch him spit in the eyes of fools
And be warned that the cards are bent
Drinks on the house as a rule.
Your hand-earned dollars better spent
On books rather than cards or pool.
If they find aces up your sleeve
Don’t deal from the base of the pack
They’ll politely ask you to leave,
You’ll bust the flush of one-eyed Jack
The sleight of hand you’ll disbelieve
Takes practice to acquire the knack.
A dime in the slot of the box
No dancing on tables and chairs
Choose from Elvis or old-time rock
Upsets the ashtrays and glasswear
Time, gentlemen, please, now take stock
You shouldn’t have blown your bus fair.
Just three more beers, guv, on the slate
I’ll stick at three, not one more drop –
My pussy waits with bowl and plate
Welcome home with a belly flop.
My salvation is somewhat late,
We all might learn one day to stop. [2013]
[cf. David Bowie’s Life on Mars:
It’s a God-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair …
But the film is a saddening bore
For she’s lived it ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools …]
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