Two wise acres and a cow. Noel Coward, re Edith & Osbert & Sacheverell Sitwell
A ha to Dr Johnson
Said Scipio Africanus
Lift up my Roman petticoat
And kiss my Roman anus. William Blake, re Dr Johnson
Like being savaged by a dead sheep. Denis Healey, re Geoffrey Howe
While the rest of Europe is marching to confront the new challenges, the Prime Minister is shuffling along in the gutter in the opposite direction, like an old bag lady, muttering imprecations at anyone who catches her eye. Denis Healey, re Margaret Thatcher
She has no hinterland; in particular she has no sense of history. Edna Healey, re Margaret Thatcher
You behold a range of exhausted volcanoes. Benjamin Disraeli, speech 1872, re Treasury bench
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity. Benjamin Disraeli, re Gladstone
He is a great master of gibes and flouts and jeers. Benjamin Disraeli, speech House of Commons 5th August 1874
A louse in the locks of literature. Alfred Lord Tennyson, re Churton Collins
1You really are the most evil-minded puker-minded scrag-necked bitch it’s ever been my misfortune to lock horns with in many a long day. Rab C Nesbitt s3e1: Rich, Mary in hospital, BBC 1993
If I ever get the taste for shagging the living dead I’ll share it with you. Rab C Nesbitt s6e4: Semmitry, Gash’s girlfriend to Jamesie
Rab, I don’t want you to take this personally but you’re a sarcastic pain in the ass and everybody hates you. Rab C Nesbitt s7e3: Duel, Jamesie to Rab
My God what a clumsy olla putrida James Joyce is! Nothing but old fags and cabbage-stumps of quotations from the Bible and the rest, stewed in the juice of deliberate, journalistic dirty-mindedness. D H Lawrence, letter 15th August 1928
The hideous old man seemed like some loathsome reptile engendered in the slime and darkness through which he moved, crawling forth by night in search of some rich offal for a meal. Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist
He did not seem to care which way he travelled providing he was in the driver’s seat. Lord Beaverbrook, re David Lloyd George
I have two masters and one of them betrayed me. Lord Beaverbrook, re Bonar Law & Winston Churchill
He aroused every feeling except trust. A J P Taylor, re Lloyd George
The lean and trusty mastiff which is to watch over our interests, but which runs away at the first snarl of the trade unions … A mastiff? It is the Right Honourable gentlemen’s poodle. David Lloyd George, re House of Lords & A J Balfour
Negotiating with [Eamon] de Valera … is like trying to pick up mercury with a fork. David Lloyd George
Sufficient conscience to bother him, but not sufficient to keep him straight. David Lloyd George, re Ramsay MacDonald
Mad, bad, and dangerous to know. Lady Caroline Lamb, re Lord Byron
Blair – this little tin-pot messiah wandering around the world, plastic Mussolini without his balcony. This is a man who is reviled in Britain ... The hatred for him is like a presence. They hate him ... There is something about Blair particularly – the embodiment of all the worst of the class system in Britain. John Pilger, lecture Freedom Next Time
You are a positive shower. A stinker of the first order. Terry Thomas to Ian Carmichael, I'm All Right, Jack 1959 starring Terry Thomas & Ian Carmichael & Peter Sellers & Richard Attenborough & Dennis Price & Margaret Rutherford & Irene Handl & Liz Fraser & Miles Malleson & Marne Maitland & John le Mesurier, director John Boulting
An odious little toad. Joey Barton, re Gary Lineker, April 2012
Messianic yet mellifluous ... Baron Bellicose, the war guy in a beautiful suit. Quentin Letts, re Tony Blair
Professor Levis said that you were quite negligible, had no mind, knew nothing of history, were completely naive and your lecture was ridden in clichés. Richard Dimbleby, interview C P Snow
Number one, you hate your country. Number two, you’re a loon. Bill O’Reilly, The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News, interview Jim Fetzer
At present, nothing is talked of, nothing admired, but what I cannot help calling a very insipid and tedious performance: it is a kind of novel called The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy; the great humour of which consists in the whole narration always going backwards. Horace Walpole, 1760
One of the greatest geniuses that ever existed, Shakespeare, undoubtedly wanted taste. Horace Walpole, 1765
It is the story of a mountebank and his zany. Horace Walpole, re Boswell’s tour of the Hebrides
How should such a fellow as Sheridan, who has no diamonds to bestow, fascinate all the world? – yet witchcraft, no doubt there has been, for when did simple eloquence ever convince a majority? Horace Walpole
That hyena in petticoats, Mrs Wollstonecraft. Horace Walpole
His speeches were fine, but as much laboured as his extempore sayings. Horace Walpole, re Lord Chesterfield
All his passions were expressed by one livid smile. Horace Walpole, re George Grenville
He lost his dominions in America, is authority over Ireland, and all influence in Europe, by aiming at despotism in England; and exposed himself to more mortifications and humiliations than can happen to a quiet Doge of Venice. Horace Walpole, re George III
This is adding insult to injury. Edward Moore, The Foundling, 1748
Look, love, nobody gives a toss about Charlton Heston. The man’s a cunt. Bronson 2008 starring Tom Hardy & Matt King & James Lance & Amanda Burton & Kelly Adams & Juliet Oldfield & Jonathan Phillips & Mark Powley & Hugh Ross & Joe Tucker & Gordon Brown et al, director Nicolas Winding Refn, gay friend to Bronson
A mad conceited ridiculous woman. Samuel Pepys, re Margaret Cavendish
To her! To that magnificent and appalling creature! I should as soon have thought of making love to the Archbishop of Canterbury! Richard Brinsley Sheridan, re Mrs Siddons
The kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, and then mount the stump and make a speech on conservation. Adlai Stevenson, re Richard Nixon
Just because a man has an IQ of 160 does not mean he has a shred of wisdom. Greg Nikolettos: The Human Microchipping Agenda, We The People Will Not Be Chipped online, lecture Alternative View III, re Stephen Hawking
My dear firstborn is the greatest ass, and the greatest liar, and the greatest canaille, and the greatest beast in the world, and I heartily wish he was out of it. Caroline of Ansbach, wife of George II, re eldest son Frederick Prince of Wales
I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion. Robert Louis Stevenson, New Arabian Nights, 1882
Oh Dodo, Dodo
Weirder than Odo, Odo
Chins wobble-o wobble-o
Worthless promises blow-blow.
You've met some people,
You've read some books,
Are you a tower of intellect
Not a second-rate crook?
Oh Dodo, Dodo
You've lost your halo halo
Where wisdom lies fallow
In a brain of blackcurrant jello. esias, Ode to Dodo [Jeffrey Holland, Mormon apostle] April 2013
A God-intoxicated man. Thomas Carlyle, re Baruch Spinoza